I love this. As some who constantly worries about what people think of me, to the point of being a people pleaser, this message really hits home! I’ll be checking out your course - thank you Lissa!
I can totally relate to the "caring what people think of me" part! It's only in the past few years that I realized that many of the people whose opinion of me mattered or whose needs I was prioritizing didn't give a lick about what I thought of them!
I was actually just ranting about this earlier today. The first cousin of my generation to die was riddled with intestinal cancer that took her life at 47. She was universally agreed by the whole family to be the sweetest, kindest, most generous, soft-spoken (and nervous, shrinking, appeasing) of us all. I’ve always felt that being so nice and tolerating so much tied her into knots and ate her from the inside out. She’s not at all the first I’ve seen struck down in the very places where the body keeps the score of their greatest traumas.
She “visited” me in a dream not long after her death and told me that the spot we’ve been watching in my breast would be just fine, as long as I continued on my overhaul. Not to become an asshole, but YES. To develop a strong sacred NO and become Unfuckablewith. Refusing to be silent or toxically positive, and continuing to spill my memoir beans--no longer glitter-washed because I was financially dependent upon the very predatory types you listed like when I first posted these tales. But I promised myself that if I ever posted them again they would be uncensored with only the details of identity altered, not at all the impact. I’m having to find a new home for them now--6 years of writing--and I’ve been struck with a major case of the Doubts as I prepare. Thank you for this timely reminder.
Because yup. In making this transition from punching bag doormat to black belt bitch, I have lost 98% of my social and professional relationships. I do not regret it at all. I don’t necessarily want to live to 90--not with the gobs of injuries I’ve survived. But to vibrantly enjoy the time I do have? Can’t put a price tag on that. Thank you for writing this piece and sharing your expertise as well as your gut instincts. I hope your travels are marvelous!
Thanks for the pompoms! Because it’s a very lonely journey over here in Sacred Bitchville, when you still have the conscience and cooperative/collaborative yearnings that originally made you a good people pleaser. So I’ll take pompoms!
Some points well taken and, as always, much food for thought. The problem I have with your rationale is it seems to be based on the highest (or high) goal is to live as long as possible, which could suggest everyone's intention should be to stall our inevitable deaths, as if death is the worst event in human experience. Maybe asshats live longer to give them extra time to learn what is wrong with their attitudes. I sense an insinuation they win at the game of life because they survive so long. Also, the assumption we should not overtax our brains and hearts is absurd --- that's how they get stronger just like our muscles do. But if 'being nice' takes years off a life, I would think that's due to self-inflicted stress. To me, the highest good is living well as I define it --- not how others judge it.
Absolutely true that I advocate more for quality of life than quantity. But I also think we can learn a few things from the longevity studies, just so we can counterbalance some of the conditioning many of us endure that might lead us to think that there's something bad about caring for one's own needs or standing up for oneself. Sometimes it helps people break out of that kind of indoctrination to know that there's actually health and longevity benefits to doing so. That doesn't mean I'd advocate for being assholes just so we can live long miserable lives!
Yes - I have wondered that too - whether certain people live longer because they have more that they need to work through and learn in this incarnation!
Having spent time with Lissa...I would guess she would advocate for living your best life, not your longest life per se. Having a now deceased narcissistic mother in law, I can say, because these types of people feel NOTHING, then do not take in anything about anybody in any way. So they lack dis-ease and disease and live longer. They do not learn, unless maybe as Lissa's partner has found, they have a life-changing experience. My experience is that they live as long as they can to torture others because they get their narcissistic supply from that. An interesting question would be, if those people they use as their narcissistic supply were to walk away, would they shrivel up and die. I am sure they would find it somewhere else, or in their complaints of being abandoned.
As a zen practitioner, I agree with quite all you write, in a sense that taking care of one Self truly means taking care of the Other (what is called interbeing). Meanwhile, each time we say yes or no in total awareness, we honor our 'bodyvoice' like I call it in my teaching, and we allow ourselves to heal and grow AND inspire others to free themselves too. This is still seen as a selfish or raw 'dev. growth' practice. But this is only Love... learning to love oneself is learning to put boundaries in a healthy (non agressive) way. It's a life's path... we're all learning. I personally had to overcome my survival ways of living. Now I just want to live free, and peaceful.
Right on! Love this essay and totally agree. BUT. . . this is a true-to-life, personal example. . . I did NOT put up with my (former) mother-in-law's shenanigans---butting in her son's life (my husband,) criticizing us both (a lot--for every little thing,) taking me to lunch and confiding in me that mother's aren't supposed to have favorite children but that she did--my husband! And the list goes on. It was horrible! Draining, upsetting, dividing her son and I ultimately resulting in a heartbreaking divorce. I was in my 20's, now in my 60's, I'm glad I stood up to her but lost my soulmate in the process. I know, he should've stood up to her, too, and forged a stronger bond with me, his wife. But, we were both in our early 20's and didn't have the emotional bandwidth to do it----so, we lost---each other. Very sad.
Yes! This feels super-important. The way I often frame it with clients (and myself) is that we are seeking to find the mid-point, the healthy balance, between self-ish and self-less, and that midpoint is self-care.
It might be a 'which came first, the chicken or egg' situation. Maybe the people who live longer have time to collect more pain and trauma, and therefore to become asshats. Perhaps 'only the good die young' because they didn't have a chance to become old and bitter!
Having said that, I'm sure there are outliers who are born bad, and those who stay good despite a turbulent traumatic life. Either way, it's usually a bad plan--but can be educational--to be passive or aggressive, and healthier to be middle-ground flexibly assertive, so why not practice assertiveness?!
An interesting point of view, but the most damaging trauma often occurs in the first 7 years of life. I think it's more about what coping mechanisms we develop to respond to it - which is not entirely conscious, we just do what we need to do to survive at the time (e.g. fighting, fleeing or fawning) and then continue to do that throughout our lives because it worked once upon a time, at least until it becomes conscious and we do some work with ourselves
I love this. As some who constantly worries about what people think of me, to the point of being a people pleaser, this message really hits home! I’ll be checking out your course - thank you Lissa!
I can totally relate to the "caring what people think of me" part! It's only in the past few years that I realized that many of the people whose opinion of me mattered or whose needs I was prioritizing didn't give a lick about what I thought of them!
I was actually just ranting about this earlier today. The first cousin of my generation to die was riddled with intestinal cancer that took her life at 47. She was universally agreed by the whole family to be the sweetest, kindest, most generous, soft-spoken (and nervous, shrinking, appeasing) of us all. I’ve always felt that being so nice and tolerating so much tied her into knots and ate her from the inside out. She’s not at all the first I’ve seen struck down in the very places where the body keeps the score of their greatest traumas.
She “visited” me in a dream not long after her death and told me that the spot we’ve been watching in my breast would be just fine, as long as I continued on my overhaul. Not to become an asshole, but YES. To develop a strong sacred NO and become Unfuckablewith. Refusing to be silent or toxically positive, and continuing to spill my memoir beans--no longer glitter-washed because I was financially dependent upon the very predatory types you listed like when I first posted these tales. But I promised myself that if I ever posted them again they would be uncensored with only the details of identity altered, not at all the impact. I’m having to find a new home for them now--6 years of writing--and I’ve been struck with a major case of the Doubts as I prepare. Thank you for this timely reminder.
Because yup. In making this transition from punching bag doormat to black belt bitch, I have lost 98% of my social and professional relationships. I do not regret it at all. I don’t necessarily want to live to 90--not with the gobs of injuries I’ve survived. But to vibrantly enjoy the time I do have? Can’t put a price tag on that. Thank you for writing this piece and sharing your expertise as well as your gut instincts. I hope your travels are marvelous!
You can do it.....YES you can
Thanks for the pompoms! Because it’s a very lonely journey over here in Sacred Bitchville, when you still have the conscience and cooperative/collaborative yearnings that originally made you a good people pleaser. So I’ll take pompoms!
But the difference is with consciousness and intentions. Most people who Lissa describes...totally unconscious. There is a difference.
Exxxxactly.
Some points well taken and, as always, much food for thought. The problem I have with your rationale is it seems to be based on the highest (or high) goal is to live as long as possible, which could suggest everyone's intention should be to stall our inevitable deaths, as if death is the worst event in human experience. Maybe asshats live longer to give them extra time to learn what is wrong with their attitudes. I sense an insinuation they win at the game of life because they survive so long. Also, the assumption we should not overtax our brains and hearts is absurd --- that's how they get stronger just like our muscles do. But if 'being nice' takes years off a life, I would think that's due to self-inflicted stress. To me, the highest good is living well as I define it --- not how others judge it.
Absolutely true that I advocate more for quality of life than quantity. But I also think we can learn a few things from the longevity studies, just so we can counterbalance some of the conditioning many of us endure that might lead us to think that there's something bad about caring for one's own needs or standing up for oneself. Sometimes it helps people break out of that kind of indoctrination to know that there's actually health and longevity benefits to doing so. That doesn't mean I'd advocate for being assholes just so we can live long miserable lives!
Yes - I have wondered that too - whether certain people live longer because they have more that they need to work through and learn in this incarnation!
Having spent time with Lissa...I would guess she would advocate for living your best life, not your longest life per se. Having a now deceased narcissistic mother in law, I can say, because these types of people feel NOTHING, then do not take in anything about anybody in any way. So they lack dis-ease and disease and live longer. They do not learn, unless maybe as Lissa's partner has found, they have a life-changing experience. My experience is that they live as long as they can to torture others because they get their narcissistic supply from that. An interesting question would be, if those people they use as their narcissistic supply were to walk away, would they shrivel up and die. I am sure they would find it somewhere else, or in their complaints of being abandoned.
Oh my goodness-this is the absolute best article i have read in a long time! I am reading cured right now and it is excellent! Thank you Lisa!
As a zen practitioner, I agree with quite all you write, in a sense that taking care of one Self truly means taking care of the Other (what is called interbeing). Meanwhile, each time we say yes or no in total awareness, we honor our 'bodyvoice' like I call it in my teaching, and we allow ourselves to heal and grow AND inspire others to free themselves too. This is still seen as a selfish or raw 'dev. growth' practice. But this is only Love... learning to love oneself is learning to put boundaries in a healthy (non agressive) way. It's a life's path... we're all learning. I personally had to overcome my survival ways of living. Now I just want to live free, and peaceful.
Right on! Love this essay and totally agree. BUT. . . this is a true-to-life, personal example. . . I did NOT put up with my (former) mother-in-law's shenanigans---butting in her son's life (my husband,) criticizing us both (a lot--for every little thing,) taking me to lunch and confiding in me that mother's aren't supposed to have favorite children but that she did--my husband! And the list goes on. It was horrible! Draining, upsetting, dividing her son and I ultimately resulting in a heartbreaking divorce. I was in my 20's, now in my 60's, I'm glad I stood up to her but lost my soulmate in the process. I know, he should've stood up to her, too, and forged a stronger bond with me, his wife. But, we were both in our early 20's and didn't have the emotional bandwidth to do it----so, we lost---each other. Very sad.
Yes! This feels super-important. The way I often frame it with clients (and myself) is that we are seeking to find the mid-point, the healthy balance, between self-ish and self-less, and that midpoint is self-care.
It might be a 'which came first, the chicken or egg' situation. Maybe the people who live longer have time to collect more pain and trauma, and therefore to become asshats. Perhaps 'only the good die young' because they didn't have a chance to become old and bitter!
Having said that, I'm sure there are outliers who are born bad, and those who stay good despite a turbulent traumatic life. Either way, it's usually a bad plan--but can be educational--to be passive or aggressive, and healthier to be middle-ground flexibly assertive, so why not practice assertiveness?!
An interesting point of view, but the most damaging trauma often occurs in the first 7 years of life. I think it's more about what coping mechanisms we develop to respond to it - which is not entirely conscious, we just do what we need to do to survive at the time (e.g. fighting, fleeing or fawning) and then continue to do that throughout our lives because it worked once upon a time, at least until it becomes conscious and we do some work with ourselves
Read about multigenerational trauma...it comes from in utero...so it is still when did it start...but it happens early, before you are born.