The Promise of Boundaries 1.0

In prior posts, we spelled out the “how” of Boundaries 1.0. While Boundaries 1.0 lacks the fully shared power of the more relational Boundaries 2.0 that we’ll be discussing next, Boundaries 1.0 is sometimes necessary with people higher on the narcissism spectrum or people who don’t communicate well and need clear, non-negotiable limits. For people first learning boundaries, Boundaries 1.0 is an important step to master. Boundaries 2.0 is a more advanced kind of relational boundary setting. While the simplicity of Boundaries 1.0 may not be the ultimate kind of relational boundary we might wish for, it’s a good start, especially for those who have lived with little to no boundaries. Especially if you’ve tended to be victimized because you have failed to protect yourself from people who lack containment, Boundaries 1.0 is a quick way to stop tolerating abuse. Other people who feel entitled to crash through your boundaries may not like it, but you still have a right to protect your boundaries, even if other people get upset.

When you’re practicing Boundaries 1.0, your work is to make your boundaries clear and visible to other people- and to be assertive and courageous enough to enforce the consequences if they are violated. You cannot expect others to read your secret boundaries and respect them when you fail to make your needs and requests obvious and transparent. When your boundaries are violated, it’s not fair to expect others to translate and interpret your pouting, your passive aggressive foot stomping, or your weaponized “under the breath” snide comments.

While it’s understandable that you might have a fantasy that your loved ones can read your mind and give you what you want and need without you needing to ask for it, recognize that this is a child part in yourself. Babies rightfully expect to get their needs met without doing anything but crying. But adults need to take responsibility for asking with clarity and, if necessary, firmness. If you’re secretly resenting others instead of opening up and expressing what angers or hurts you, if you have desires you’re not expressing, you’re not being fair. If you’re making a case, like you’re going to court, of the hundred and one ways someone has hurt you, but you’re not expressing, in the moment, what they’ve done to make you feel violated, it’s not fair to punish them. They may have no idea what they’ve done to upset you.

If you privately and silently endure the irresponsible behavior of others instead of confronting them with how their irresponsible behavior makes you feel, you’re punishing them without telling them what the boundaries are and making it clear what the consequences of breaking those boundaries are. Wouldn’t you be upset if a cop pulled you over and gave you a ticket, but when you asked why, they said, “You know you were doing something wrong.” Really? If you don’t know the rules- which vary between people because boundaries are so personal- then unless they’re breaking a law criminally, it’s not fair to punish someone if you haven’t communicated beforehand what’s okay and not okay with you.

If you’re one of those people who has trouble being assertive and making your boundaries clear, that’s probably part of your own traumatized response. You may have a part that had its assertiveness and proactivity wounded out of it, and this might leave you meek, porous with your boundaries, and impaired when it comes to enforcing your boundaries. This is where good therapy will come in handy.

If you had overcontrolling or rigidly boundaried parents who smothered you with their boundaries growing up, you might have fragility as the result of others who set boundaries with you. These traumas need to get cleared and healed so you don’t respond to the boundaries of others with a ramped up reactivity that it out of proportion to the situation at hand. You might also be at risk of projecting your own fragility around boundaries onto others, assuming that if you say no or set limits, others will feel as sensitive to the boundaries as you feel when they set limits with you. Your fear of how another might respond may keep you from setting the boundaries you need to set in order to keep love safe. Just realize that your fragility is your wound to heal. If someone else is fragile in this way, it’s not your responsibility to walk on eggshells to protect their fragility. They need help healing what’s underneath their own trauma bubble. and your reaction to another’s boundaries may be ramped up. You might also project your own fragility onto others, assuming that others will feel the way you would feel if you set boundaries, which might cause you to avoid setting limits.

If you don’t know how to exercise good boundaries otherwise, you may feel as if your only power is to leave the relationship and break all contact. But this is devastating and confusing to someone else if you haven’t first given them the chance to show that they understand, respect, and can at least have a chance to honor your boundaries. You may assume they know how to show their care, their respect, and their willingness to tend to the relationship, but if you haven’t been clear about how you want and need to be treated, it’s not fair to expect the other to know how to behave.

If you don’t know how to be clear and honest about your boundaries, then you’ll likely feel like you have to make the other person hurt emotionally. So you may emotionally manipulate them in order to get your needs met. You may threaten to walk out. You may shame them. But they still may not understand what they’ve done to upset you. Then one day, you just walk out, and love loses. You may feel as if you have to set the ultimate boundary- “I'm done with you”- but how many boundary violations have you tolerated before this point without clearly and firmly expressing what you need and want? How many times have you set a boundary but then failed to enforce the consequences of the boundary brecch? This part of Boundaries 1.0 is your responsibility, no matter how much you might judge that the other person is misbehaving.

Another thing to keep in mind about the basics of boundaries… If you are overly relying on one person to help you get your needs met, you’re putting far too much pressure on that person, which might make good boundaries challenging. Think about it. If you expect your husband to be your everything, how can he feel free to say no to you when you need him? If he cares and wants you to get your needs met, he may feel like he has to force function to do everything you ask of him, even if he’s maxed out and not resourced to help you. Having a circle of healthy people who can take turns meeting your needs is your responsibility. It’s not fair or even realistically possible to expect any one person to be your sole source of support. You need many people you can go to for help. This makes the people in your life feel safe to say no to you, so this frees them to let their yes be a true yes.

Also, if you can’t receive someone else’s no, or if you have a meltdown whenever they do say no to you, you have given your power over to that person, and it’s too much pressure. You’re expecting someone else to take responsibility for what is your responsibility. This gives the other person far too much power. All they have to do is threaten to leave you- and now you’re totally at their mercy, controlled by their emotional blackmail. Don’t put yourself- or anyone else- in that position. If you have others who can support you- and your loved one withdraws or threatens to leave- let them go. But you’ll need to have a way to get your legitimate and precious needs met elsewhere.

Finding the Goldilocks still point of good boundaries is not easy, but it is worth it. Good boundaries help you care about what others need, but not at the exclusion of your own true needs. They help you find that center point, where your needs matter, but not more than other people’s needs. They assist you in considering that all people have needs and everyone has a right to get their needs met. No one person needs to violate their own needs to meet the needs of others.

The practice is to learn to negotiate needs, to put all needs on the table, be honest about who needs what, and divide responsibilities so that people can find a way to meet their needs. Keep in mind that there are natural consequences to our choices, and sometimes that means watching someone you care about suffer the consequences of their choices without rescuing them from that pain. That can be painful, and we can do so with compassion in a well-boundaried way that separates their suffering from your suffering.

Keep in mind that getting your needs met by other people is a privilege you have to earn. If you’ve been selfish your whole life, or if someone else has, they can’t expect to receive care, support, and reciprocity if they find themselves in situations where they now need care from others who they have not cared for well. This is their responsibility, not yours. If people expect others to help them get their needs met, which is a totally valid expectation, they need to demonstrate care and reliability as much as they expect to receive it.

What if you feel indebted to this person who won’t respect your no? What if you set boundaries and do what you must to get your needs met and others try to guilt you into collapsing your boundaries by telling you that you owe them your loyalty and would be a bad person if you left? What if someone has gifted you with bountiful blessings and you feel obligated to show up in a certain way with that person? Aren’t you obliged to stick around?

Of course you owe those who have showered you with certain kinds of blessings your consideration, your gratitude, your respect for their feelings, and humanizing behavior. But their gifts have not bought them the right to violate your boundaries. Gifts should be gifts. Unless they’re loans, they are meant to be offered without strings. If someone is offering you gifts as a hook to secure loyalty, excuse their bad behavior, or try to buy your love, it’s not a gift; it’s a manipulation. Gifts should have no strings attached. All that is needed from the one receiving the gift is open-hearted gratitude- and perhaps an invitation to pay it forward to someone else, should the opportunity to repay the sacred reciprocity arise.

So what do we owe to those who have been kind to us? We owe them a deep bow of thanks, but we need not bow so low that we throw our own parts under the bus as a way to express loyalty or appreciation. While some give to gain loyalty, such giving is not giving; it’s self-centered, intended to help the giver secure someone’s attention and loyalty. But the gifts have not been given selflessly. You can tell when people have given this way, because if you don’t comply with their expectations, they tend to have parts that will throw a fit and turn on you, suddenly acting shocked, as if you’re this total ingrate who doesn’t deserve to exist. A true gift comes from an abundance of blessings and does not need to be repaid to the giver. Such giving gets repaid karmically. Givers who give in this way are replenished often, with no need to manipulate to win love.

We’ll be discussing boundaries, sharing power, healing from narcissistic abuse, and other relational issues in our new IFS practice group LOVE SCHOOL. In our next session on February 24, 2025, we’ll be discussing the rescuer/ rescued dynamic, as well as the Wendy/ Peter Pan syndrome.

Join LOVE SCHOOL here.