The "How" Of Basic Boundaries 1.0

Communicating What's Okay & Not Okay In A Non-Violent Way

For those of you who have been following along with the lessons from The Boundaries Handbook, we’re now done with our prep and ready to actually learn to set some boundaries! In some relationships, Boundaries 1.0 might be the only way to go. In other healthier relationships where power is shared more equally, Boundaries 2.0 might be a more intimate alternative to the traditional Boundaries 1.0. Boundaries 1.0 are very simple, clear boundaries that don’t require others to negotiate or speak on behalf of their own “parts.” If the person you’re trying to set boundaries with is in therapy, is IFS-informed, and is generally interested in growth, intimacy, and creating safety in relationships, we’ll discuss a more advanced, IFS-informed type of boundaries in future posts. But for now, we’ll stick to the basics.

Boundaries 1.0 are simply a way to express what’s okay and not okay to another person. That other person doesn’t have to like the boundary, and they may or may not have the skill set to respond to your boundaries with requests of their own. In narcissistic relationships, Boundaries 1.0 may be all you’re got. So knowing how to put into place the most basic of boundaries is essential to learning to protect yourself and suss out whether you can improve a relationship that may trigger you frequently.

Talking & Listening Guidelines

Before we jump into how to set the simplest kind of boundary, let’s review some basic communication guidelines from Pia Mellody’s The Intimacy Factor. She offers ground rules for talking to someone, such as:

-Don’t accuse.

-Don’t tell your partner what he or she should be feeling.

-Don’t give advice.

-Don’t judge.

-Don’t guess at your partner’s motivations.

-Don’t be sarcastic.

-Don’t use hard-to-understand private jargon.

-Don’t say “You really don’t understand me.”

-Don’t call your partner names.” 

She also offers listening boundaries:

-Set your external physical boundary in order to be more comfortable as you listen.

-Remind yourself not to take the blame.

-Remind yourself the emotions you experience as you listen have to be regulated by breath work so that they do not become too powerful and radiate toxically into the air.

-Remind yourself that you are listening to find out who the other person is, not to formulate your defense. 

-Review that you protect yourself as you listen by determining what is said to be “true,” “not true,” or “questionable.” If what you are hearing is “true,” allow yourself to feel emotions about this truth. If what you are hearing is “not true,” detach from feeling emotions about what is being said. If what you are hearing is “questionable,” when the person is finished talking, ask for the data you need in order to decide if it is “true” or “not true.”

-Ask for the data in four sentences or less without complaining, blaming, or explaining why you need the data. This will help the other person listen.

-If negotiation is necessary, start the process.

Once we have some boundaries around talking and listening, how do we set clear boundaries? Let’s unpack the basic “how to’s” of the process.