The Challenges & Blessings Of Partnering With Someone With A Traumatized Nervous System

How To Focus On The Blessings Without Bypassing The Pain

My partner Jeffrey Rediger and I are almost done with the manuscript for our first book together about the health implications of unbalanced relationships, which is due February 1 and will come out Spring 2026. We’re also developing the curriculum for a weekend Zoom workshop we’re teaching this upcoming weekend HEALING THROUGH RELATIONSHIP, where we’ll be previewing some of the content of what’s in our book, including the Six Steps From Fawning to Freedom. (There’s still time to register here.)

Through the process of trying to get the language right, we’ve stumbled into a lot of labels people use to describe their unbalanced relationships:

-Overfunctioner/ underfunctioner

-Neurotypical/ neurodiverse

-Cassandra syndrome woman/ autistic men

-Codependent/ narcissist

-Giver/ taker

-Adult ADHD/ normal attention span

-Disorganized or avoidant attachment/ Secure attachment

-Complex PTSD/ light trauma burden

-Nervous system dysfunction/ nervous system privilege

-Caregiver/ disabled person

-Wendy syndrome/ Peter Pan syndrome

-Dissociative Identity Disorder/ Self-led integration of parts

-Victim/ Perpetrator

We’ve tried to be as trauma-informed, non-pathologizing and compassionate as we possibly can in the ways we’ve languaged these imbalances in relationships. But we’ve also tried to be crystal clear that if someone is sick and enmeshed in an intimate relationship with someone with the constellation of parts that make up malignant narcissism or sadistic sociopath, it will probably be impossible for them to get healthy, no matter how many other healthy behaviors they practice.

Good Intentions Vs. Malicious Intent

To parse these things out, we have to start by making a clear distinction between two types of partners. One type is the good-hearted, well-intentioned people who might have a traumatized or neurodiverse nervous system that might challenge them in relationships and cause them to struggle or unintentionally hurt or neglect the needs of their partners.

The other type is sociopathically or even criminally abusive and should not be tolerated, under any condition. The difference is intention and degree of mistreatment. If you’re in a relationship with a Machiavellian coercively controlling malignant narcissist or sociopath, I’d refer you to the work of Doctor Ramani or Daniel Shaw. Such relationships are never safe and you may need a whole team to help extricate you- a therapist, a psychiatrist, a social worker and social services resources, and law enforcement or the criminal justice system.

But let’s assume the one you love is not a malignant narcissist, a sadistic sociopath, or someone who thinks it’s okay to break the law and abuse or exploit you criminally. Let’s assume they’re a generally good person with good intentions, and maybe they have a history of relational trauma that has impacted the way their nervous system functions and reacts. This might cause them to struggle to show up in a relationship in a way that helps you get your needs met equally.

There are obviously nuanced distinctions between these various labels, and those of you reading my blog or commenting on Facebook are giving me a crash course in all the intricacies of how various diagnoses or labels prefer to be languaged. But I continue to hold an obviously controversial view that most, but not all of these labels boil down to trauma. Or at least, if neurodiversity is caused by some genetic or inborn difference in nervous system function and behavior, trauma is usually a big part of the neurodiverse partner’s life experience, as being anything but neurotypical can be traumatizing in itself.

Regardless of what causes these various relational dynamics, one common thread runs through most of them. These relationships wind up with one person getting more of their core needs met and the other starving on breadcrumbs and feeling resentful because of it. And the one not getting their needs met very often winds up sick, which is what our book is about.

When Nobody Taught You How To Do Relationships

Jeff and I are both sensitive and compassionate towards the developmental traumas, shock traumas, and societal traumas that might lead to these various labels. But we find ourselves treading lightly because people often want to deny that they’ve had trauma that might have impacted their ability to be eq ual partners in a relationship. The level of denial that can exist around someone’s growth edges in relational issues impedes healing and can destroy an otherwise promising relationship.

There’s a tremendous amount of defensiveness that can get activated if we even touch something like the traumatized nervous system or neurodiversity, for example, and how it impacts the partners of folks who identify this way.

We’re hoping that in the book we’re writing and the workshop we’re teaching this weekend, we can walk that line delicately, so we can point out the realities of trying to partner with someone with these kinds of labels, and hopefully help both parties feel seen, heard, and compassionately understood, without enabling continued dysfunction or lack of balance. Accountability can be a struggle in these unbalanced relationships because of the extreme defensiveness that is sometimes elicited. But it can be helpful just getting validation that what people are experiencing is real, hard, and often unjust.

Empathy For The Ones Who Can’t Seem To Get Relationships Right

Jeff is the one in our relationship who identifies most with some of these labels, like neurodiversity, chronic dissociation, Complex PTSD, adult ADHD, and disorganized attachment. I am the one who identifies with some of the labels like overfunctioner, codependent, securely attached, nervous system privileged caregiver and can get resentful when the balance of needs getting met is way out of balance.

The conversations Jeff and I have had have helped really open my heart though. He finds himself defending the people who are more like him, helping me try to understand what it’s like to be on the other side of an unbalanced relationship. He resonates with folks who feel like they just can’t get relationships right, like they’re doing everything they know how to do and they just can’t quite get it. He thinks the defensiveness whenever we try to have conversations about balance of caregiving and need-meeting comes from a sense of feeling inferior, not good enough, worthless, unlovable, screwed up, ashamed, helpless, and hopelessly fucked up.

And then I feel so much empathy for what that must feel like. I can practice perspective taking and put myself in the shoes of someone who is working hard in therapy, reading books, taking a proactive approach to improving relational skills, and still feeling like you’re behind the eight ball. Especially for people who are otherwise high functioning professionally, this must make working on relationships something they prefer to avoid, since it’s so much easier to feel good about yourself when working than it is when relating.

Empathy For The Ones Who Do More Of The Caregiving & Get Fewer Needs Met

I also feel a lot of empathy for those in unbalanced relationships who struggle to get their needs met because of someone else’s traumatized or neurodiverse nervous system. It’s not fair. And that’s hard and unjust, even if it’s not the other person’s fault that this imbalance exists. Personally, I’ve found it validating to read forums for partners of people who share these various labels. I’ve largely steered clear of labels that pathologize me or my partner, since it’s not very IFS-compatible to label anyone’s protective strategies in a demonizing way, and we’re both active practitioners of IFS. But educating myself about how to be a good partner for the labels he does identify with has helped me normalize and accept my experience.

Educating myself- and helping educate my partner about various relational tools has helped me avoid blaming either my partner or myself and has fostered greater acceptance for what I’ve chosen by choosing this relationship. It’s also helped me to grieve some of the relational needs I don’t think I’ll ever get met within this relationship, but which I can get met through my friendships, as well as my birth family, chosen family, and supportive community.

What my partner is learning how to do to make this easier on me is to acknowledge and at least verbally validate my feelings, even if his numb nervous system makes it harder for him to actually feel what I feel or empathize somatically and even if he can’t understand or validate my version of the story. He also gives me a wide berth for self care and getting some needs met with my close friendships. And he pays for our excellent couples therapy as a way to help support us both, which I really appreciate. We also invest at least a half hour every morning actively working on our relationship, reading couples therapy books together, speaking on behalf of our parts, and taking online programs aimed at improving relational skills.

If You’re The One With More Nervous System Privilege…

If you’re the neurotypical person with a neurodiverse partner, or if you’re the one with a light trauma burden and your partner is severely traumatized, it helps if you can focus not just on what makes it hard to relate with your partner, but pay some attention to the benefits of being with someone with a nervous system different than yours. Much of our conflict arises because I want him to be more like me, to offer me what I offer him, to think and behave and process the way I do, to accept accountability for my many flaws the way I do.

But he’s not me, and our nervous systems don’t function the same way, so expecting my partner to process relationships the way I do is setting him up for an impossible task. And he’s in no way “less than” just because he has a differently-abled brain and nervous system.

Although I understand that some of these above-mentioned labels might not result from trauma, for the purposes of what I’m about to write, I’m going to steer away from all the particularities of the various labels and just talk about what it’s like to try to partner with someone with a traumatized nervous system.

Shifting How We View The Traumatized Nervous System

One of the first steps in partnering with someone with a traumatized nervous system is shifting the lens through which we perceive that neurological difference. Often, we approach differences with a mindset of fixing or normalizing. Instead, what if we became curious? What if we asked, “What gifts does this person’s unique nervous system wiring bring to our relationship?” The differently-abled nervous system can bring valuable gifts because of different abilities.

Passion & Hyperfocus: When someone with a traumatized nervous system gets passionate about something, they can be intensely focused and enthusiastic about going down a rabbit hole and not coming up until they’ve found what they’re looking for. This can result in real savant-level mastery.

Loyalty: Although it takes a long time for people with a traumatized nervous system to attach and trust someone, once they do, you may have a “ride or die” partner that will do anything for you and put up with all kinds of things someone else might find intolerable.

Unflinching honesty: If you’ve ever met anyone with a traumatized nervous system, you may have noticed that they can be extremely blunt and unflinchingly honesty in a way that’s both disarming and refreshing. This flies in sharp contrast to someone more narcissistic, who will often lie, cover up their lies, manipulate, gaslight, or otherwise do anything to protect their fragile grandiose self image.

Grounding in times of crisis: Some people who have been through the ringer develop adaptive strategies that make them very calm in times of crisis. My partner Jeff was lauded as one of the best psychiatrists in Boston for being able to enter a room of inpatient psychiatry patients in a way that the whole room would calm down in response to his presence. My housemate April, with her traumatized nervous system, also self-identifiying as autistic, says she’s the “home tree” and I’m the balloon she keeps from floating away by tying my string to her trunk. The way her nervous system functions means she can be very level-headed and even keel when I’m an emotional wreck, which makes her really great in a crisis.

Unique problem-solving abilities: People with traumatized nervous systems often approach challenges from unconventional angles, leading to innovative solutions. Their ability to think outside the box is invaluable in creative and technical fields.

Authenticity: While some with traumatized nervous system may struggle with social cues and attunement, people with traumatized nervous systems are often refreshingly authentic. This is often what distinguishes someone on the neurodiversity spectrum from someone on the narcissistic spectrum. Although there can be a lot of overlap, people high on the narcissism spectrum often care very much about appearances, while a lot of people on the neurodiversity spectrum couldn’t care less what other people think.

Resilience Against Adversity: Navigating a world designed for neurotypical individuals or surviving extreme abuse fosters remarkable adaptability, determination, and strength in people whose nervous systems behave differently.

Depth in Relationships: While relationships might be very challenging for people with traumatized nervous systems, once trust has been established, people with traumatized nervous systems often form deep, meaningful connections characterized by loyalty and sincerity, even if intimacy can feel threatening. While narcissistic individuals may prioritize relatively shallow, superficial relationships, many with traumatized nervous systems will go deep if given the right safety and opportunity to experience real unconditional love.

Transforming Through Love & Healing Through Relationship

Ultimately, partnering with someone with a traumatized nervous system invites those who choose to partner with them to expand their capacity for love—to love beyond conventional expectations and embrace the fullness of another’s humanity, while also loving your own parts and not throwing them under the bus sacrificially. This type of love requires vulnerability, patience, a willingness to grow, and a team approach. Partners will need close friendships, supportive community, interests that feed them outside the home, and internal resources to attend to the parts that might feel neglected or with unmet intimacy needs in the relationship. Couples therapy and individual therapy can also be helpful.

Ultimately, this kind of partnership isn’t about fixing or changing the other; it’s about meeting each other exactly where you are. It’s about both partners walking the razor’s edge between meeting the needs of your own parts and caring about the needs of the other. It’s about holding space for differences while recognizing the shared essence of love and connection that unites us all. It’s about healing not through perfection but through presence—the deep, abiding presence that says, “I see you. I honor you. And I choose to be on this journey with you, even if it might never be fully balanced.”

In this dance of partnership, the steps may sometimes falter, but the music remains. And as you move together, with curiosity, compassion, and courage, you create a melody that is uniquely your own.

If this kind of dance sounds familiar, we welcome you to explore some of these issues and be the first to preview some of the content from the book Jeff and I are almost finished writing about the health implications of unbalanced relationships- and the radical recovery plan that can potentially improve your health.

We start Saturday, January 4 on Zoom, so please join us here.

This is the last chance to register for HEALING THROUGH RELATIONSHIP before we begin!

I’d love to hear from any of you who struggles in an unbalanced relationship. What have you learned that might help others like you? What has helped you cope and accept the limitations without disparaging your partner or ignoring your own feelings? There’s so much wisdom in this community! I’d love to hear from you and hope to see some of you in this weekend’s Zoom workshop with me and Jeff!