Putting IFS-Informed Boundaries 2.0 Into Place, Part 2
More Examples of applied Boundaries 2.0, including how to keep your boundaries with yourself
In The Boundaries Handbook, we reviewed the “how” of Boundaries 2.0 here and then we unpacked a couple of examples. Let’s explore a few more IFS-informed boundary conversations, so we can see how this plays out in relational life.
Uninvited From The Party
A while back, I was in a relationship with another boundary wounded individual, but both of us were in therapy trying to get healthier. Because we were still pretty fuzzy on our boundaries, he had come to me, wanting to lead a workshop about something he was passionate about, but he didn’t have a way to fill the workshop. Without an online platform or many friends that lived locally, he asked for my help filling his workshop. So I promoted his workshop to the 100,000 people on my mailing list and told many local friends about it. The workshop filled quickly, mostly with my close inner circle friends who wanted to support my new partner. I was excited to attend the workshop, support his passion project, and hang out with my friends.
The day before the workshop, he approached me and said, “I’d like to set a boundary. I don’t want you to come to the workshop. I feel more in my power when you’re not there, and I need to be in my power when I lead this program.”
I had conflicted parts. Part of me wanted him to feel in his power and felt confused about why he felt that I disempowered him just by being there as an assistant, so I wanted to get to the bottom of how to support him and help him get his needs met, while respecting his boundary. I told him I was absolutely not going to violate his boundary, and I would definitely not come if he didn’t want me to. But I needed him to understand more. I had parts that felt crushed by his boundary, like I had helped plan and execute a birthday party I had just been asked not to attend. I also had parts that felt used, like he has used my friends and online platform to fill his workshop but didn’t want to include me. Parts that had been left out in early childhood got lit up, and I spoke up on behalf of those tender exiles.
Had we been practicing Boundaries 1.0, he could have simply said, “Here’s the boundary, here’s why I set it, here’s what’s going to happen if you show up after I’ve asked you not to,” and he’d feel justified to protect his boundary. However, I’d be left to tend to my feelings on my own or in therapy. Intimacy would be sacrificed, and my feelings might go untended.
Because we were both IFS-informed, we initiated a conversation about his boundary, speaking up for our parts. He told me about the parts that tended to collapse in the presence of powerful women, dating back to his neglectful, confusing, and manipulative mother. He assured me that it wasn’t personal. He wasn’t meaning to leave me out or make me feel exploited; he just wanted to be the only powerful person in the room, so he wouldn’t be at risk of collapsing or deferring to me.
My heart opened to him, and I told him that I wanted him to feel powerful- of course. I understood the dynamic between him and his mother, so it made sense he might have a part that would just freeze in the presence of another powerful female who he was attached to. He helped me take it less personally and reassured my parts that felt left out and rejected, comforting those parts and validating their right to feel the way they did. My parts calmed down and we were back in a relational field together.
Although I had assured him that his boundary was his right to assert and that I would absolutely not override it or violate it in any way, he no longer needed to hold that boundary alone, because now it was our mutually agreed upon choice that he would lead the workshop without me, and all my friends would come over for an after-party to celebrate when it was over. My only request was that he tell my friends I would not be there, so they weren’t surprised or confused.
As it turned out, so many of my friends cancelled when they found out I wasn’t going to be there that he decided it didn’t make much sense to host the workshop with so few people. He was disappointed. I was too. But it made him realize he’d be better off building his own online platform and social network and not relying on me to help him fill workshops, given that he really didn’t want me to attend them. Sometimes fate has a way of stepping in, even if we don’t get the outcome we really want. Even so, we were both satisfied with the outcome.
It had been a negotiation between two people in treatment for our boundary wounding who cared about each others’ feelings. In the end, neither of us had pulled a “power over” move on the other to put the lion’s paw of our domination over the other. The boundary had been negotiated- Self to Self, parts to parts- to help us both get our needs met without one person pulling a non-relational, protector-led, one-sided “power over” boundary ultimatum.
The Safety Valve Of Monogamy
When negotiating the terms of a committed long term romantic relationship, Maria told her partner Jose that she really wanted a monogamous relationship, but she was scared of such agreements, since several of her past boyfriends had cheated on her. She was less upset about the broken monogamy than about the broken trust. So she tried to initiate a Boundaries 2.0 conversation about the terms of their monogamy or non-monogamy, ethical or otherwise.