How To Spot The Red Flags Of Narcissism

Excerpt From RELATIONSICK

Narcissism is quite the buzz word these days, given the way the world is going. But it’s important to understand that not all narcissists are created equal. As Craig Malkin writes in Rethinking Narcissism, narcissism exists on a spectrum from too much narcissism to not enough narcissism. If narcissism lives on a scale from 0 to 10, with 8-10 being Narcissistic Personality Disorder levels, being an 8 is very different than being a 10. Likewise, it’s unhealthy to be in the 0-3 range, without enough narcissism to stand up for yourself, benefit from healthy self-esteem, and know what you are and are not entitled to.

Tragically, people in the 0-3 range often pair up with people in the 8-10 range, and that can make the 0-3 person relationsick, dysregulating your nervous system, impairing your immune system, causing chronic inflammation, disrupting your microbiome, and even affecting how your genes express themselves. (Relationsick will be out Spring 2026, but if you want to be the first to learn what we’re teaching, join us in LOVE SCHOOL, where my partner and Harvard psychiatrist Jeffrey Rediger and I are previewing some of the material from Relationsick.)

Because I care about keeping things trauma-informed, remember that narcissism is the result of developmental trauma. From the NeuroAffective Relational Model (NARM) perspective, it’s the “Trust Survival Strategy.” In the Internal Family Systems model, narcissism is a collection of parts (entitled parts, grandiose parts, deceptive parts, etc) that think they’re protecting you and are trying to prevent you from feeling how worthless other parts feel, even if they’re causing harm to others.

With a compassionate framework and an understanding that nobody chooses to become narcissistic, let’s examine some of the red flags of narcissism, just so you can hone your discernment and know what you might expect if you’re getting into a new relationship or taking a job with a narcissistic boss or trying to figure out why it’s so hard to get along with your parents or your kids. Remember, narcissism is a spectrum. The ideal goal is to land at 4-7 on the narcissism spectrum, with healthy self confidence, enough entitlement but not too much, solid esteem, and comfort with taking up space and receiving attention when it’s your turn.

If you’re curious whether someone in your life is high on the narcissism spectrum, the following red flags can help you sort out how high.

1. Love bombing: Did this person begin your relationship by showering you with over-the-top flattery, praise, approval, or grand romantic gestures?

2. Attention seeking: Do you often feel as if you exist only to listen to, mirror, or admire this person’s stories, talents, musings, intelligence, beauty, or sensitivities?

3. Lack of reciprocity: Do you often feel as if the relationship is not reciprocal, as if you’ll never get your turn when it comes to taking up space or receiving the kind of generosity of time, energy, listening, attention, affection, money, or opportunities for forgiveness that you offer to the other? Do you often feel as if this person is not paying attention or really listening when it’s your turn to talk, be centered, or get attention?

4. Poor boundaries: Does this person demonstrate fuzzy boundaries with a lot of “dual relationships,” such that they consider business colleagues their family or do business with friends and lovers or cross the line sexually or financially in inappropriate ways with employees, clients, or students? Do they have a lot of “gray zone” relationships full of innuendo or flirtation without being clear about what they want?

5. Disrespectful: Does this person regularly lack common courtesy, showing up late, being unreliable with plans you make together, disrespecting your time and the work you put in to make their life easier, or failing to communicate about basic things?

6. Lacks empathy: Do you often feel like this person has a chilling lack of empathy and remorse, or are they cold when you or other people are feeling painful emotions, especially if you or other people are in pain because of something they’ve done or failed to do?

7. Arrogance/ showing off/ superiority: Does this person think they’re special or somehow different than “ordinary” people? Do they think they’re spiritually or intellectually or physically or racially superior? Do they fluff themselves up, talking about themselves in a grandiose, prideful, arrogant, larger-than-life way that positions them as better than others, while frequently pitying, infantalizing, rescuing, demeaning, or talking trash about others?

8. Can’t take “No” for an answer: Do you feel intimidated or otherwise unsafe to disagree with this person, go against their will, or say no to them?

9. Control freak: Is this person controlling or manipulative, trying to control things like who you hang out with, what you wear, what you eat, how you spend money, what you say or do, how you think, or what you believe in?

10. Threatening behaviors: Are you afraid, or even terrified, of upsetting this person for fear of retaliation, revenge, attack, turning others against you, or stonewalling?

11. Energy vampire: Do you feel physically, emotionally, or energetically drained after being with this person, as if they’re sucking you dry, energizing themselves but depleting you?

12. Manipulative: Is this person very strategic and cunning in the ways they manipulate people to get what they want, with little concern for how their behavior might impact other people?

13. Hair trigger defensiveness: Is this person hyper-sensitive to any correction or criticism, becoming quickly angry or defensive if you point out something they’re doing that hurts you, rather than expressing appropriate empathy and admitting to their mistakes?

14. Quick to anger: Does this person have an anger engine that goes from zero to sixty almost instantly, often without good reason, causing you to walk on eggshells?

15. Gaslighting: Do you feel frequently invalidated, when you know what you’re saying is true and real? Do you feel confused about what’s real or doubt your version of reality or your sanity? Does this person frequently challenge your version of reality in ways that make you wonder if you’re losing your mind?

16. Entitlement: Does this person act like they’re entitled to special favors or special treatment and become upset if they’re not treated the way they expect to be treated? Do they feel entitled to things they’re not entitled to, like breaking the law, taking things that don’t belong to them, or breaking a monogamy agreement, as if the rules don’t apply to them, even though they expect others to abide by those rules, as if there’s a double standard?

17. Shallow: Is this person excessively materialistic, superficial, vain, exhibitionistic, perfectionistic, fixated on working out, plastic surgery, or looking their best, obsessed with only having the best of everything, hoarding luxury goods, or money hungry?

18. Isolates you: Does this person bad mouth other people you like or trust or try to isolate you from friends and family to make sure nobody warns you about this person or tries to get you out of an abusive, dangerous, or exploitative situation?

19. Needs lots of “narcissistic supply”: Has this person found ways to get a great deal of attention, validation, praise, approval, status, power, money, or even worshipful fans? Do they become quickly unhappy if they’re not getting enough glowing, positive attention?

20. Unusually jealous or thinks others are jealous of them: Is this person frequently jealous of you, your other relationships, your successes, other people’s successes, and good things that happen to you or other people? Do they think others are jealous of them (when they’re not)?

21. Hungry ghost: Do you get the feeling it’s never enough for this person- never enough money, never enough stuff, never enough praise, never enough awards or promotions or lovers or achievements or social media followers or whatever they’re chasing, as if they’re empty inside and trying to fill an unfillable “hungry ghost” void?

22. Paranoia: Is this person excessively distrusting and convinced everyone is out to screw them over?

23. Lying, withholding, evasiveness: Does this person frequently lie and then lie about lying if you catch them, withhold information you deserve to know and then get upset when you protest the withhold, make promises they fail to keep, or cross boundaries you’ve agreed upon together?

24. Lacks accountability: Does this person fail to take responsibility and frequently get defensive and blame others when they’re caught making mistakes?

25. Opportunistic or exploitative: Does this person regularly take advantage of you or other people in ways that benefit them but inconvenience or even harm you or other people?

26. Transactional relationships: Are people seen only through the lens of what they can do for this person, rather than as whole human beings who have value, even if they can’t help you get ahead in some way?

27. Fragile when alone: Does this person decompensate if they spend much time alone, moving quickly between romantic relationships and needing to have someone centering them much of the time?

28. Addiction: Is this person actively addicted to alcohol, drugs, gambling, working out too much, shopping, workaholism, sex, rescuing people, or other 12-steppable compulsive behaviors?

29. Breadcrumbing: Do you tend to feel like you’re having to nourish yourself with breadcrumbs of attention, affection, praise, cherishing, or sweet behaviors because this person withholds letting you eat a whole meal emotionally after initially love bombing you?

30. Fails to apologize. Does this person rarely, if ever, admit to wrongdoing, apologize, express remorse, and make amends (unless it's a strategy to fake an apology in an inauthentic way in order to keep you close, while continuing to repeat the same hurtful behaviors)?

31. Picks favorites & scapegoats. Does this person tend to give unfair preferential treatment to one person or group at the expense of another? Do they have a golden child, favorite employee, or teacher's pet who gets away with behaviors that others, who might be scapegoated, will be punished for?

32. Grand gestures. Does this person do grandiose things for others and/or make others dependent on them with an expectation that others will be at their beck and call at all hours and put up with their moods and demands, using their grand gestures and generosity to justify their goodness when their character is questioned?

33. Tests your loyalty. Has this person tested you to see what they can get away with and whether you’ll continue to forgive them, over and over?

34. Data-mining your details. Has this person tracked your likes and dislikes, your fears and dreams, your traumas and triumphs, with such precision that you feel incredibly special, only to realize they were data mining to find ways to manipulate you later?

35. Has to win. Is this person highly competitive and needs to win and dominate, no matter what, or else they get very agitated and fragile?

36. Vengeful. If you end a relationship with this person, do they exhibit a seemingly unquenchable thirst for revenge, long after the time that most people would have moved on?

37. Exercises “one up” behaviors. Is this person frequently comparing and one-upping you? Do they often have a bigger problem, a bigger headache, more upset, a better, more grandiose story than yours- such that your personal share somehow becomes about them?

38. Lacks personal insight. Does this person lack insight into themselves and their own shadow, lacking psychological depth?

39. Future faking. Does this person “future fake” you, making promises for the future but rarely keeping them, all while manipulating your truth and claiming it’s your own fault that those promises are not being realized?

40. Hoovering. If you start pulling away and distancing yourself, do you get love bombed again, such that you get “Hoovered” back, when the love bombing stops and the abuse ramped up again?

41. Poor me. Does this person act like a victim, as if the world is against them, so you will feel sorry for them?

42. Objectification. Does this person dehumanize or objectify others, seeing people as a potential transaction to be used for their personal benefit?

43. Sunk cost fallacy. Are you only staying in this relationship because you’ve sunk so much time, energy, emotion, and perhaps financial investment into the relationship that you’re afraid to give up just before it could get good?

44. Expects “mini-me” parroting. Does this person demand that you mirror their beliefs, their world view, and their perspectives, with no chance for differing perspectives to coexist?

45. Narcissistic extension. Do you feel like you- or perhaps a child- is seen as nothing but an extension of this person, as if you’re an arm or a leg they feel entitled to control and get upset if you don’t comply and do as they wish?

46. Takes all the credit. Does this person insist of trying to take credit for anything good you do, including trying to benefit personally by trying to get access to your money or powerful friends or business connections, or take advantage of any professional opportunities you might have that they might want for themselves, or demonstrate other self-interested, exploitative, greedy behaviors that signal they are only in this for themselves- even though the reverse is not the case?

47. Manipulates you into staying. Are you only staying in this relationship because you feel protective, as if this person needs you and won’t survive without you?

48. Pretend mode: As Simon Rogoff wrote here, narcissists often live in pretend mode. Yes, they can be intentionally deceptive. But they might also come to believe in things that aren’t true, causing them to operate in a delusional pretend mode.

49. Sour grapes: The grandiose narcissist often achieves the desired spoils, but the covert narcissist may not have the talent, good looks, intelligence, connections, or unearned privileges that help a narcissist get ahead. If dreams are thwarted, narcissists often have a chip on their shoulder and won’t hesitate to let everyone know about it.

50. Prefers empaths. Are you the type of person a narcissist seeks out- a caring, empathic, conflict avoidant good listener who forgives easily, rarely protests, and is easily charmed by their charisma, power, wealth, talent, beauty, intelligence, or spiritual gifts?

When you tally your “yes’s,” you’ll get a sense for where this person might lie on the narcissism spectrum.

How does all that land on y’all? Psychoeducation about narcissism is one way we can save money on therapy and make sense of why we’re attracted to the people we choose.

I’ll be reviewing this and other dating tips in an upcoming IFS-informed Zoom weekend retreat DATING FROM SELF. We’ll even talk about how you can spot narcissism from a dating profile- and how to make your own profile attractive but still real, authentic, and psychologically healthy. I’d love to see some of you there

If this is something you struggle with in a current relationship, my heart goes out to you. You might find some helpful psychoeducation and tools in my Becoming Unf*ckwithable class. The Heal Your Wounded Boundaries class can also give you practical tools for standing up for yourself and being unavailable to be anyone’s doormat.

And if you want ongoing relationship support and IFS practice group, join us for LOVE SCHOOL, which meets every two weeks on Zoom.

I’d love to hear your stories about how you’ve interfaced with the narcissists in your life, how you’ve learned to be narcissistic enough but not too much, and what comes up for you when you read this. Also, if this is something you’re struggling with, there are so many wonderful resources out there. Don’t give up hope. There really are good, healthy, kind, generous people who know how to reciprocate in reasonably healthy relationships out there.

Resources

• The Wizard Of Oz & Other Narcissists- Eleanor Payson (in my opinion, this is the most sensitive, nuanced, non-demonizing, and trauma-informed explanation of narcissism)

• Traumatic Narcissism & Recovery – Daniel Shaw (great for cult survivors in particular)

• Rethinking Narcissism – Craig Malkin

• Doctor Ramani’s Navigating Narcissism podcast

• Doctor Ramani's Youtube channel

If you’re interested in reading my two unpublished manuscripts about IFS-informed boundaries and spiritual bypassing recovery and IFS-informed spirituality, please consider a paid subscription to support my work. Please also consider sending this to friends or clients or offering a gift subscription to someone who might need it.