I found this essay deeply meaningful this mother's day. I often lean on the human way of thinking that our parents want us to exceed them in life. That our success means they did their job as parents well. I don't have the kind of success that would fill that bill. But I do have a level of emotional maturity for which I can gratefully stand on their shoulders. It isn't the kind of success they'd want to brag on me for, quite often, when they were alive, it confused them. But in the decade since they've been gone, me perceiving my emotional growth as my achievement matters to me. And as I continue to process our shared past, sometimes I turn my attention to them - there on the other side of the veil - and I say, "I don't do the work of self healing to hurt you. This is my work that I do for me because I am the only one who can do it." And I say that in an attitude of love for them and me; and I say it with a voice of authority.
I appreciate having found you, Lissa. My psychotherapist was trained by Dick Scwartz, and it was the online workshop you hosted with Dick last year (2023?) that brought me to you. Thank you for being you in all your authenticity.
Oh my goodness, Lissa. Change a few details, and we could’ve written the same piece.
My Mom passed in Nov 2022, and it took me more like a couple of weeks (I didn’t have much time to prepare for her transition) to reach the same recognition of freedom, but wow, how the heavens opened! And the tear ducts.
Every week I find new pieces of myself buried in a complex tapestry of love, gratitude, and intense anger as I reflect on familial influences and pressures.
Sigh. It feels so wonderful and terrifying to breathe and act with the realization that I’m fully accountable for my life now.
Thank you so much for sharing this today! <3 <3 <3
Thank you so much for publishing this piece, Lissa! This is so relatable, and ~ I assume ~ far more common and authentic than we currently know. True, most people may be afraid to admit their ambivalent emotions towards their parents, perhaps even more so after they've passed on to 'the side beyond the veil'.
On the other hand, haven't our parents always taught us to be truthful? And how can we be truthful if we are lying to ourselves?
I am grateful for your stance on 'pro choice' and offering compassionate abortions to women who for whatever reason make that choice. It's never a choice taken lightheartedly, and is always accompanied by grief and suffering of the mother(not-to)be.
"When your mother is still alive, you learn where her trauma bubbles live, and you learn to avoid those “off limits” places. When your mother is dead, you are suddenly free." ~ I know exactly what you mean! I've had my mother scream at me, when I wanted to be heard and acknowledged by her, just once. I knew never to go to that 'off limits' place again.
I am grateful for all the important questions and thoughts in this piece! 💗🙏 and for your courage to embrace the heroic journey wholeheartedly. (I've been a fan ever since reading Mind over Medicine, 10+ years ago)
Beautiful Lissa, thank you for posting your raw truth.
I’ve found it terribly interesting how we generally seem to struggle with holding juxtapositions. My mother/family can’t seem to understand how I’m hurt/angry while still loving them at the same time. People in general are so polarised, I had never noticed just how much until recently. Guess the rigidity speaks directly to the underlying wounds. We love to outsource our identities to everything but us. Your mother likely was upset about you performing abortions because part of her fragmented identity was placed in you. No amount of explaining works in these kind of scenarios. Also interesting how we’re all human yet we can have quantum leaps from person to person in overall states of consciousness.
Today is my first Mother’s Day since my mother died and reading this post was a true balm to my tender and strengthening heart. To acknowledge all parts is such a powerful experience, and to learn to hold the paradox.
Thank you all for your support and validating words. My heart goes out to all of us who feel conflicted feelings about people we've loved and lost.
I found this essay deeply meaningful this mother's day. I often lean on the human way of thinking that our parents want us to exceed them in life. That our success means they did their job as parents well. I don't have the kind of success that would fill that bill. But I do have a level of emotional maturity for which I can gratefully stand on their shoulders. It isn't the kind of success they'd want to brag on me for, quite often, when they were alive, it confused them. But in the decade since they've been gone, me perceiving my emotional growth as my achievement matters to me. And as I continue to process our shared past, sometimes I turn my attention to them - there on the other side of the veil - and I say, "I don't do the work of self healing to hurt you. This is my work that I do for me because I am the only one who can do it." And I say that in an attitude of love for them and me; and I say it with a voice of authority.
I appreciate having found you, Lissa. My psychotherapist was trained by Dick Scwartz, and it was the online workshop you hosted with Dick last year (2023?) that brought me to you. Thank you for being you in all your authenticity.
Gratefully,
Sarah
Oh my goodness, Lissa. Change a few details, and we could’ve written the same piece.
My Mom passed in Nov 2022, and it took me more like a couple of weeks (I didn’t have much time to prepare for her transition) to reach the same recognition of freedom, but wow, how the heavens opened! And the tear ducts.
Every week I find new pieces of myself buried in a complex tapestry of love, gratitude, and intense anger as I reflect on familial influences and pressures.
Sigh. It feels so wonderful and terrifying to breathe and act with the realization that I’m fully accountable for my life now.
Thank you so much for sharing this today! <3 <3 <3
Thank you so much for publishing this piece, Lissa! This is so relatable, and ~ I assume ~ far more common and authentic than we currently know. True, most people may be afraid to admit their ambivalent emotions towards their parents, perhaps even more so after they've passed on to 'the side beyond the veil'.
On the other hand, haven't our parents always taught us to be truthful? And how can we be truthful if we are lying to ourselves?
I am grateful for your stance on 'pro choice' and offering compassionate abortions to women who for whatever reason make that choice. It's never a choice taken lightheartedly, and is always accompanied by grief and suffering of the mother(not-to)be.
"When your mother is still alive, you learn where her trauma bubbles live, and you learn to avoid those “off limits” places. When your mother is dead, you are suddenly free." ~ I know exactly what you mean! I've had my mother scream at me, when I wanted to be heard and acknowledged by her, just once. I knew never to go to that 'off limits' place again.
I am grateful for all the important questions and thoughts in this piece! 💗🙏 and for your courage to embrace the heroic journey wholeheartedly. (I've been a fan ever since reading Mind over Medicine, 10+ years ago)
Beautiful Lissa, thank you for posting your raw truth.
I’ve found it terribly interesting how we generally seem to struggle with holding juxtapositions. My mother/family can’t seem to understand how I’m hurt/angry while still loving them at the same time. People in general are so polarised, I had never noticed just how much until recently. Guess the rigidity speaks directly to the underlying wounds. We love to outsource our identities to everything but us. Your mother likely was upset about you performing abortions because part of her fragmented identity was placed in you. No amount of explaining works in these kind of scenarios. Also interesting how we’re all human yet we can have quantum leaps from person to person in overall states of consciousness.
Thanks again!
Today is my first Mother’s Day since my mother died and reading this post was a true balm to my tender and strengthening heart. To acknowledge all parts is such a powerful experience, and to learn to hold the paradox.
Beautiful, brilliant and liberating. Thank you