A Trauma-Informed Lens On The Narcissist- Codependent (Empath) Dynamic- Part 2

In Part 1 of this series of excerpts from The Boundaries Handbook, we explored the way boundary wounded folks might pair up- and how whoever has more power- and exercises it- may flip from playing the narcissist in one relationship to playing the codependent in another. Some boundary wounded people have almost no ego strength, and they play only one side of the coin. They’re almost always victimized by others who routinely exploit or abuse them. They play the doormat with their spouse, their best friend, their boss, their employees, their children, and the dog. But these folks are rare.

What’s much more common is that people play the narcissist in one relationship and the codependent in another, playing both sides of the boundary-wounded coin. Especially if someone was raised the “golden child” of the narcissistic family system, these individuals might be particularly vulnerable to being both victimized by this dynamic but also perpetrating abuse. And it’s sad- because the “People only approve of me if I over-function and make Mom or Dad look good” wound makes a painful mark on the psyche. If unconditional love is not on the menu, kids will settle for extremely conditional approval, pretzeling themselves into a shape that is not their own and foreclosing on their authenticity to settle for gold stars and applause.

In some relationships, these golden children will fawn someone they believe is superior (like a grandiose romantic partner or a God-like spiritual teacher or their own golden child)- seeking that person’s approval and hoping to win a gold star (or fluff up their own golden child as a narcissistic extension of themselves.) In other relationships, they may look down on someone they feel is “less than,” like their scapegoated child or an employee or a friend they don’t admire as much. Whether someone goes “one up” or “one down” relies on where someone is in an unbalanced power dynamic/ social hierarchy.

All of this plays out because of unhealthy power dynamics in childhood. Although it’s not true power because it’s the product of abuse, if two boundary-wounded people pair up, the one with the most power (the falsely empowered child, or golden child) will inevitably wind up being the one who dominates more frequently, while the one with less power (disempowering abuse, or the scapegoat) is at risk of winding up getting controlled more often. This means that if, for example, a child who was falsely empowered by abuse grows up and partners with someone who was disempowered by abuse, the falsely empowered one is likely to wind up controlling the disempowered one, whether they intend to or not.

When The Scapegoat Becomes The Golden Adult

The exception to this is when scapegoated children experience disempowering abuse growing up, but then are falsely empowered by achievement in childhood or young adulthood. They may have been the scapegoat of the narcissistic family system, but they become the golden child of the ballet teachers or the music industry or the academic world or the publishing industry or the corporate or tech world or the movie/ TV industry. Then, if they manage to avoid the stereotypical path of the scapegoat- the addicted, rebellious, acting out, low functioning, trouble-with-the-law, psych patient role they’ve been groomed to fulfill, they may grow up to be golden adults who finally win approval, even if they can never win their parent’s approval. These scapegoated kids can become power hungry (because they’ve experienced disempowering abuse) and this can drive them to achieve great things- but it also sets them up for power struggles in relationships.