A Trauma-Informed Lens On The Narcissist/ Co-Dependent (Empath) Dynamic- Part 1

How The "Golden Child" Becomes Vulnerable To Being Both The Victim & The Perpetrator of Narcissistic Abuse

A lot of resources exist right now to support victims of narcissistic abuse- and I’m 100% in support of this cultural trend to help victims identify red flags so they can protect themselves better with clear- and if need be, fierce boundaries. (I’ll list my favorite of these resources at the end of this post.) So yes- please educate yourself so you’re less of an easy mark for predators, exploitative people, con artists, transactional relationships, and people who are at high risk of abusing or taking advantage of you.

That said, many of the people who speak so clearly- and also accurately- about narcissistic abuse sometimes fail to acknowledge that narcissism and sociopathy are also trauma symptoms that result because of boundary wounding. They’re not born bad babies. Personality disorders like narcissistic personality disorder and antisocial personality disorder are the result of developmental trauma, and demonizing and dehumanizing people with mental illness resulting from developmental trauma is not a compassionate or effective way to look at this problem.

My very wise mentors in the traumatology world (people like IFS founder Dick Schwartz, Relational Life Founder Terry Real, Advanced Integrative Therapy founder Asha Clinton, and Pia Mellody from The Meadows) view this issue very differently than the standard pop psychology tendency to hate on and smack talk the narcissists and treat the sociopaths as unredeemable monsters. One could argue that the leaders of any field might be higher than average on the narcissism spectrum to begin with, because that’s usually who rises to the top of leadership in almost every profession- the people who are the most ambitious, Type A, assertive, pushy, entitled, charismatic, and, well…narcissistic. So maybe leaders in the field of traumatology have a greater than usual sensitivity to and compassion for the trauma that drives ambition and the pain of what makes leaders over-function into professional excellence.

So let’s dare to talk about this touchy subject in a trauma-informed way. Let’s look at how narcissistic family systems either inflate and falsely empower children (the golden child), deflate and disempower them (the scapegoat), or neglect them altogether (the lost/invisible child). And let’s look at how these different developmental trauma put the children raised in narcissistic family systems at risk of being both the victims of narcissistic abuse- and also sometimes the unwitting and clueless perpetrators.

It’s also important to understand the link between wounded boundaries and narcissism or sociopathy. Some of us, myself included, can be both victims of narcissistic abuse and also sometimes unwitting and unintentional perpetrators who harm others because we’re unaware of how to protect our own boundaries from getting violated, but we may also be unable to contain ourselves or avoid crossing the boundaries of others because of our boundary confusion and wounding.

Rethinking Narcissism

As we’ve discussed before, narcissism lies on a spectrum. Let’s take a moment to take narcissistic tendencies out of some “all or nothing” binary. In Rethinking Narcissism, Dr. Craig Malken proposes that narcissism lives on a spectrum from zero to ten. Those in the zero to three range would have unhealthily low levels of narcissism. To be healthy, they need to be more narcissistic, to feel entitled to ask for what they need, make requests, say no, to feel entitled to stand up for themselves, to push back against bullies, to hold their ground.

Those in the eight to ten range would be unhealthily high on the narcissism spectrum. To be healthy, they need to check their entitlement, contain themselves from overstepping other people’s boundaries, controlling others, bullying others, or behaving abusively. They need to pull their energy in- to avoid taking up the whole room, to consider others and be more sensitive and empathic with others in order to be healthier.

Moving the 0-3 folks up the spectrum and moving the 8-10 folks down the spectrum (with good therapy) would ideally bring people into the 4-7 range- where you have healthy amounts of confidence, personal power, assertiveness, ego strength, capacity to protect your own boundaries but also contain yourself from crossing other people’s boundaries, and a solid ability to impact your environment and have a healthy but not dominating influence over others.  

If someone lives on the 10/10 end of the narcissism or sociopathy spectrum- the malignant narcissism or “dark triad” end- I recommend you resist the temptation to give this individual the benefit of the doubt because of your empathy for the trauma that wounded their boundaries and your hope that they can change. “The benefit of the doubt” is the malignant narcissist’s best friend- and it can keep you dangerously hooked to a spell-caster who does not have your best interests at heart. It’s my recommendation that you go “no contact” if at all possible, and if you can’t- because you’re sharing custody, maybe- you erect the fiercest of boundaries and try the “grey rock” or “yellow rock” method of making the best out of a bad situation.

An IFS Lens On Narcissism/ Co-Dependence

From the IFS lens, narcissism is a constellation of potential parts- grandiose parts, attention-seeking parts, controlling parts, manipulative parts, entitled parts, exploitative parts, power hungry parts, demanding parts, bullying parts, intrusive parts, hot-headed abusive parts, envious parts, parts that lack empathy, insensitive parts, and parts preoccupied with fantasies and delusions of grandeur. Co-dependence is also a constellation of parts- fawning, accommodating, people-pleasing parts, over-caregiving parts, empathic parts, parts that don’t know what they need and are scared to make requests, conflict avoidant parts, passive-aggressive parts, enabling parts, parts that don’t feel worthy unless you’re over-giving, and if you’re of the spiritual ilk, spiritual bypassing or “Self-like” parts.

In IFS, there are “no bad parts-” because all parts have good intentions and think they’re protecting you, even if they’re harming you or hurting other people. But “no bad parts” doesn’t mean that some parts don’t cause us to do bad things if we’re not in therapy, working on Self-leading those parts. And “no bad parts” doesn’t mean no boundaries or endless hall passes for narcissistic behavior, and it doesn’t mean indulging co-dependent parts either. We can have empathy and compassion for our own parts and still do the work to change our own behavior. But don’t think for a minute that someone high on the narcissism spectrum is going to change their behavior without doing their own intensive trauma treatment and probably also relational therapy to be held accountable and repair the hurt they’ve caused loved ones (Terry Real’s Relational Life Therapy is great for this.)

In my opinion (others might disagree with me), IFS alone does little to improve insight into someone’s narcissistic parts, and people with co-dependent parts can also be very resistant to taking a real honest look at these parts. Typically, a combination of IFS, Relational Life Therapy, and psycho-education about narcissism work well together to treat narcissistic patterns and co-dependent patterns. 12 Step programs can also be helpful with treating these patterns, as well as programs based on Pia Mellody’s The Meadows. You have to know and admit you have a problem before you’re likely to see any behavior change!

Understanding What Underlies Narcissism & Co-Dependence

Let’s explore a trauma-informed lens on the narcissist/ co-dependent or narcissist/ empath dynamic. Maybe you’re motivated to learn more because you’re hoping to stay in relationship with someone who is more of an 8/10 narcissist, rather than a 10/10 malignant narcissist. Or if you’re the one with 8/10 narcissistic parts, this might help you gain more insight into your side of the street, so you can potentially change your behavior and improve your relationships. So let’s dive in.

Understanding the psychology of how both sides of this dynamic play into it because of developmental trauma can empower you and help you better protect yourself, hopefully without leaving you feeling in any way blamed for your victimhood. Sure, if you’re an unarmed Black man and your perpetrator is an armed cop, you may be helpless to avoid winding up victimized by abuses of power inflicted by a narcissistic law enforcement officer.

But if you’re an adult, the other person doesn’t have a gun, and there’s no obvious violence being threatened, it usually takes poor boundaries- and the unwillingness to call for back up or hold perpetrators accountable for their abuse- to make this dynamic operable. The minute you come in with firm boundaries, the dynamic is destablized and it’s much more difficult to be an easy mark for narcissistic abuse. So while you have zero power to change the other person, you have every right- and it may be within your control- to change your own relationship to boundaries with these individuals.

Boundary Wounded Pairings

To unpack how boundary wounded individuals hook up and harm each other, let’s explore some of the psycho-education I learned from my former therapist, Asha Clinton, PhD, the founder of the energy psychology trauma treatment Advanced Integrative Therapy (AIT). In order to help people with wounded boundaries from both sides of the spectrum, Asha doesn't use the language of narcissism or co-dependence at all. They’re so loaded and potentially triggering. Instead, she calls this sort of boundary wounded pairing "symbiosis."

Asha is not referring to the healthy kind of symbiosis, as when two plants mutually support each other, or when a mother and baby are in their healthy symbiosis phase of connection in the first year of life. Her definition of unhealthy symbiosis is "two boundary-wounded people who fuse/enmesh such that one psyche is controlling two (or in the instance of a cult leader or authoritarian politician or family figure, more than two) humans." You could substitute “enmeshment” or “fusion” for symbiosis, since that can be a confusing term for some people, implying that it’s somehow good for both parties, which it’s not. But for the purposes of our conversation here, we’ll just call it a “boundaryless pairing.” 

People tend to perceive the narcissist as predatory and the co-dependent/ empath as vulnerable prey- and it’s true that this is often the case, especially if someone predatory is at the extreme end of the narcissism or sociopathy spectrum and the victim is very low on the narcissism scale, fawning the more narcissistic individual, without enough ego strength to stand up for themselves or protect themselves. Narcissistic abuse is real and dangerous and those who wind up victimized and under the spell of an abuser may have a very hard time staying safe. They 100% need to be treated as vulnerable victims until they’re free from being under the coercive control of someone who is brainwashing them or threatening violence or exploiting them.

That said, once someone gets help freeing themselves from the agony of narcissistic abuse- and goes no contact or presses charges or puts other legal boundaries in place to make sure it doesn’t happen again- the next part of the healing journey from the PTSD narcissistic abuse tends to cause really begins. The next step beyond getting physically safe is to make sense of what happened to you- and to learn how to prevent the same kind of abuse from happening again. Anyone who grew up under the influence of someone high on the narcissism spectrum can make an easy target for narcissistic abuse, especially if you had few other influences in early life.

You might be vulnerable to the next situation of narcissistic abuse if you grew up with a narcissistic parent or went to a school or church or Scout troop or sports team under the direction of a narcissistic leader- because we normalize this kind of behavior and wind up attracted to those who are powerful or charismatic or charming or exceptionally talented or intellectually gifted or supermodel beautiful or athletically powerful or, most of all, spiritually special in some way. We might grow up feeling that if we are chosen by people we deem special in some way, we will light up in the glow of this borrowed specialness. We don’t realize we’re being set up to get used.

I Was Vulnerable Too

But before I get into the nuts and bolts of how to understand this dynamic, let me tell you a story from my own history- because it represents how I was both the victim of a spiritual teacher/ narcissistic exploiter, and I was also vulnerable because of how easy I was as a mark because of my own drive to feel loved, special, better than, superior, chosen by someone I deemed special. Some of you may be pure 100% victims who are very low on the narcissism spectrum and need to learn to be more narcissistic in order to be healthy. But in case some of you are more like me- and you’re attracted to powerful narcissists because being chosen by them inflates you and feeds your own narcissistic tendencies, this story- and the tips I’ll share at the end- might help you protect yourself- and also heal yourself so you cause less harm to your own loved ones, colleagues, clients, or friends.

(Note: Since the next part is a very vulnerable disclosure of my own core trauma, I’m putting it behind a paywall and trusting that anyone who is supporting my writing with a paid subscription will also hold space for my vulnerability without attacking me. For those of you who are already paid subscribers, thank you for always being so kind when I share tender things with you in this way! And for those who are reading for free, I know you’d probably be kind too, but this way I can keep these stories off Google, privately hidden behind the paywall. That’s my own attempt at a boundary for myself- to protect my own hurt heart.)