Which Boundaries Are You Entitled To Protect?

Excerpt from The Boundaries Handbook

People whose boundaries are violated in childhood often grow up confused about what boundaries they have the right to protect, letting people trample all over the flower bulbs in their gardens without even understanding they have a right to say, “Stop!” So let’s break it down. What kinds of boundaries are we entitled to differentiate, discern, and protect? It may seem obvious to some of you, but to others, we really do have to get this granular.

SKIN: Our skin is a physical boundary separating me from you. You have no right to violate the integrity of my skin without my consent. Your skin boundary is one that you have every right to protect- with your choice. I once had a partner who had a temper. At first, when he’d get angry, he’d bust a hole in the drywall of our home. Then it ramped up, and he started destroying my art, cracking the wood frames of my canvases over his knee, and shredding my paintings. Then he ramped it up even more and one day he violated my skin boundary by striking my cheek and leaving bruises on my arm in the shape of his fingers. The consequence of violating certain skin boundaries in this country is that you can call the cops. Many violations of skin boundaries are considered criminal acts, and we have laws to protect ourselves and enforce consequences upon those who violate our skin boundaries with acts like rape or assault. 

Even things like vaccine mandates must respect that no person has the right to violate someone else’s skin boundary without their consent, except in very rare instances, such as injections given to prisoners or psychiatric patients who have lost their legal right to consent. As such, public health officials use privileges as a way to incentivize people to comply with mass vaccination. Nobody will hold a gun to your head (in the United States at least) and force you to get a vaccine under threat of violence. But they can and will withhold privileges, like access to public schools, public spaces, keeping your job, or airline travel. Parents can home school their child if they don’t wish to enjoy the privilege of public school. Employees can quit and choose to be self-employed. In this case, your skin boundary might come up against the boundary set by an employers or business owner to protect the public. Legal experts, including the ACLU, took position statements to claim that you don’t have the civil liberty (legally speaking) to harm other people by being unvaccinated. That would be a boundary violation to those who have a right to stay safe. But legally, you do have a right to protect your skin boundary, refuse vaccination, and let go of many privileges reserved only for the vaccinated. ,.

TIME: Because we live in linear clock time, time can be a clear boundary that is commonly crossed. If we agree to meet at a certain time and you’re late, you have violated a time boundary and disrespected our agreement to meet at a certain time. If this happens repetitively and you demonstrate to me that you cannot respect my time boundaries, I am likely to take away privileges and you may not have access to scheduled time with me anymore. I have a right to be angry if you repetitively disrespect time boundaries, but at some point, it should become obvious that you don’t intend to respect time boundaries, and then I simply need to change how I engage with you.

I can start by letting you know what’s okay and not okay, just in case you think I don’t care about having time boundaries respected. But assuming you know I don’t like it when you’re late and you’re choosing to violate that boundary anyway, then it’s only natural that the intimacy dial would be turned down or certain privileges might be taken away. There’s no need for me to pitch a fit about how disrespectful you are or how careless you are with promptness. You have a choice. Either you show up on time, or the dial goes down and you lose certain privileges, like the privilege of scheduling time with me. 

Sure, things happen and boundaries need to be flexible and adjustable given unforeseen circumstances. If you’re late because your daughter was just hit by a car, of course I’m going to forgive your inability to respect my time boundary. But if you show up late for every lunch date we make, I’m simply going to stop going out to lunch with you. Time boundaries really matter when it comes to professionalism. If you fail to show up at work on time, you’re violating the time boundaries of your employer or others who count on you, and if your employer has good boundaries, you’re likely to get fired.  

SPACE: Physical space and distance can set a boundary. You have a right to have a certain amount of personal space around you, and we’re all different with how much personal space we need in order to feel safe. This can also be cultural, so traveling to different countries with different ideas about personal space can leave some people feeling boundary violated. You also have a right to take more than the foot or two around your body of space if you need to create distance from someone in order to feel safe.

If I tell you I need some physical space and you refuse to give me some space away from you, you are violating my right to use distance to set a boundary. For example, when I broke up with that partner after he had been physically abusive, I moved out of our house and bought another house. Then he broke into my house and stole my vacuum cleaner, which he claimed should have been left with him. He violated a legal property boundary and broke the law- breaking & entering, theft. I called the police and they told me I had a choice. I could press charges for the legal violations, which I chose not to enforce. I would also have grounds to get a restraining order. I could have let the law enforce the boundary if I chose to do so, because again, certain laws are in place to protect our right to enforce certain kinds of boundary violations.

However, physical distance can sometimes be used as a wall, rather than a healthy boundary when used as a manipulation or justification for neglect. While we all have a right to distance ourselves from people who are behaving in abusive ways, and while taking some space for someone is an understandable consequence of being abused, some people with attachment wounding substitute physical distancing instead of employing healthy boundaries with others who love them and are not abusive. Rather than saying “This is what’s okay and this is what’s okay,” communicating with others about what the boundaries are, they practice avoidant or withdrawal behaviors as a way to avoid getting their unspoken boundaries crossed. This can be another form of control, because if someone is attached to this kind of boundary wounded person, the threat of excessive space can be used as a manipulation to control someone else, and boundaries should always be about choice, not control.

PSYCHIC SPACE: Your energy field, which extends beyond your skin and includes layers of information about your unique human biofield, is yours alone. While those who are empathic may have access to the information, emotions, and intuitive content readable within your energy field, they are violating your boundaries if they are reading what is within your psychic space without your consent. Some empaths have not learned how not to do this. But it is an empath’s responsibility to learn how to respect someone’s psychic space, learn how not to violate someone’s psychic space, and only enter it with their consent. If someone insists upon commenting on your psychic information without your consent, especially if they are voicing it out loud or reading you around other people, they are violating your right to psychic space boundaries- and also violating your speech boundaries. As such, you might need to take privileges away or use your space boundary to create some distance.