What Is Healthy Empathy?
And How Is It Different Than Compassion?
In this post about how people who identify as empaths might seem like the least empathic people on the planet to those close with them, I unpack how feeling someone else’s feelings- without good boundaries- can cause the empath so much pain due to emotional contagion that they might try to stop the pain in ways that feel insensitive to others. We might be feeling someone else’s pain, and we might think that makes us sensitive to others, but unless we’re practicing behaviors that actually feel sensitive and caring to other people- perceptive engagement- we’re not really practicing masterful empathy.
What’s the difference between emotional contagion and perceptive engagement?
In The Art of Empathy, empathy researcher Karla McLaren unpacks the six aspects of empathy:
Emotion Contagion: the ability to sense that someone is having an emotion that might call for you to respond to it.
Empathic Accuracy: the ability to accurately identify and understand emotions, in yourself and in another.
Emotion Regulation: the ability to work with your emotions without being overtaken, stressed out, dysregulated, or frozen by them.
Perspective Taking: the ability to ask, “What’s it like to be you?” and to see through someone else’s eyes.
Concern for Others: which might seem obvious, but if you don’t care what it’s like to be someone else, you won’t behave in ways that will be perceived by the other as empathic.
Perceptive Engagement—the PhD level of empathy. Perceptive engagement allows you to make decisions based upon your empathy, and to respond to someone else’s intense emotion in a way they perceive as care.
Perceptive engagement is a co-regulating healing presence. If you can respond in a way that feels empathic to the one emoting, if you can create feelings of safety when someone feels vulnerable, helpless, scared, hurt, angry, sad, or isolated, you’re a healer—whether you’re putting your hands on someone’s body, making someone’s cappuccino, facilitating trauma healing, or cutting their hair.
Unfortunately, because of their own boundary wounding trauma, many people who hang up a shingle and call themselves empaths, psychics, intuitives, therapists, doctors, or healers do just the opposite. Those who identify as empaths- who often carry high levels of developmental trauma and have significant early boundary wounding- may try to shut down your emotions before you can even pop out a tear or vent some anger—so they don’t feel your pain so acutely in their own boundary wounded, hypersensitive nervous system. This can cause them to behave in ways that shut down your emotional release and lack empathy. Empaths might be good at emotion contagion or empathic accuracy, but because they often don’t know how to regulate emotion within themselves, they may have a hard time getting all the way to real empathy.
I once saw someone who claimed to be a healer, whose writing I admired but whose empathy was clearly wounded, bring a person with stage-four cancer up on stage in front of a large group. After he peppered her with penetrating, boundary-violating questions and allegedly used his intuitive empath skills to point out her core wound, she started to cry. When her healing emotions started to flow while she told him the details of how she got hurt, he—no joke—cut her off and pretended to play a mini-violin in the most condescending way as he mocked her, saying, “Whadya want me to do? Play you a widdle sob song?” Her healing had started and stopped so abruptly that the audience was shocked, silenced in horror. Her shame spread through the room like motor oil on snow as our emotional contagion picked up on it. He was shaming her for your emotional expression when what she needed was feeling and healing.
While empaths may lack perceptive engagement, compassion can be cultivated by healing boundary wounding and taking advantage of the slight distance compassion offers in the presence of someone else’s pain. Empathy is neurologically distinct from compassion. Empathy means we feel with people. This means that when someone is happy, excited, or joyful, our brains respond as if something wonderful has happened- in us. Conversely, if we are empathizing with someone who is in pain, it lights up the pain centers in our brains. The more we lack the distinction of self/other, perhaps because of boundary wounding in childhood, the more someone else’s pain feels like our own pain, which might cause people to withdraw, fix, defend, or lash out.
For those with the rare condition mirror touch synesthesia, this tendency is exaggerated. For those with mirror touch synesthesia, if you touch your cheek, they feel as if a hand is pressing against their own cheek, and if you get punched in the stomach, their own bellies may ache. At its most extreme, which has been observed in twin studies, when one twin is injured, the other twin may experience the exact same wound, even though they did not get injured. Given that identical twins might not even have an amniotic sac as a boundary between them in the womb, it makes sense that they might be born so boundary wounded that they can’t tell their twin’s physical or emotional pain from their own.
As you can imagine, if you felt someone else’s emotional or physical pain as if it were your own, you might feel desperate to make their pain go away—so you would feel better. Unfortunately, this is not an impulse that helps others heal or makes others feel better or feel loved; it’s a self-protective impulse that can feel like the opposite of empathy to someone else who is in pain.
Compassion is not feeling with someone; it’s feeling for someone. Neurologically, it lights up our love centers more than our pain centers, so you might say it’s neurologically easier on us. In an article that distinguishes between the two neurologically, Tania Singer PhD and Olga Klimecki PhD report that compassion elicits feelings of warmth, concern, and care for others, as well as a strong inclination to ease the suffering and improve the wellbeing of others, whereas empathy with someone in pain feels painful to the one empathizing. As such, empathy can lead to burnout, especially among healers and empaths who spend their days with suffering people. Fortunately, the slight distance offered by compassion—and how it connects us to love—can help protect us from emotional overwhelm and burnout.
The good news is that treating trauma and healing the boundary wounding trauma causes can make people more compassionate- and improve their ability to take empathy all the way to perceptive engagement, making them a safer and more loving presence in the face of the suffering of others. When we can feel for someone’s suffering- without taking it on as our own- our presence can help others heal and increase our capacity for intimacy- with other people, with our own inner world, with the Divine, and with life itself.
In other words, healing your boundary wounding and learning to practice good boundaries can actually make you kinder, gentler, more nurturing, more loving, and a more generous person- to yourself and to others. While it’s not easy to heal from this kind of wounding, the promise such healing holds is worth every drop of transformation you can milk from the journey.
WORKBOOK: How Good Are You At Empathy?
Based on Karla McLaren's six levels of empathy, consider your relationships and how far up the empathy ladder you typically show up. Do you stop at emotional contagion and try to make the other person stop feeling emotions you don't like feeling yourself? Do you deserve a PhD in empathy because you can show up with perceptive engagement and behave in ways that feel like empathy to others? Or are you somewhere in the middle? Journal about what you discover or discuss it with a trusted friend.