What Is A Healthy "Shared Power" Boundary?
How To Discern Whether A Boundary Is Fair Or A One Up Power Move
A real boundary is not a weapon. It’s not a punishment. And it’s not a strategy to manipulate someone into behaving how you want. A true boundary is a loving, clean statement of what you will or will not do to protect your own sacred nervous system. It sounds like:
“I need to take a break right now. I’ll come back in an hour when I feel more centered.”
“I won’t stay in a conversation where yelling is happening. I’ll be in the other room if you want to talk more calmly.”
“It’s not okay for me to be touched without consent. Please don’t do that again.”
“If I want your advice, I’ll ask. Please don’t offer me unsolicited advice. I find it intrusive and it makes me feel like pulling away.”
“You’re welcome to use my car, but if you use up the gas, please fill it up before you come home. Otherwise, you might lose car privileges.”
“I’m not available to talk after 9 p.m. My body needs rest. Let’s connect in the morning instead.”
“I can listen to you share your feelings, but I won’t be spoken to disrespectfully. If that happens, I’ll end the conversation.”
“I love you, and I’m not willing to discuss my body or weight. Please don’t comment on it again.”
“I want to stay connected, but I can’t be your only source of support. It might help to find a therapist or another trusted friend, too.”
“I’m not comfortable lending money right now. I care about you, but that’s a no for me.”
“You’re welcome to visit for up to 48 hours, but I need notice ahead of time so I can prepare.”
“I want to stay close to you, but things seems to go downhill when you’ve been drinking. If you choose to drink, I’ll choose to head home.”
“I can come to the family gathering, but I’ll need my own transportation so I can leave when I’m ready.”
“I won’t participate in conversations that involve gossip about people I love. Please don’t triangulate me this way. Let’s talk about something else.”
“I’m happy to help when I can, but I can’t drop everything on short notice anymore. I’ll let you know what’s possible when I look at my schedule.”
“I care about this relationship deeply, and I need it to include mutual repair when harm happens. I want to feel safe to tell you what upsets me, but if you get defensive, invalidate my concerns, or blame me after you’ve done something hurtful, I won’t be able to stay in close contact.”
Boundaries are based in self-responsibility, not blame. They name our needs and stand up for our rights, without making the other person bad or wrong. They respect the sovereignty of the other person while fiercely protecting our own agency and autonomy.
But when a person says “I’m setting a boundary” and then proceeds to gaslight, ghost, unfairly withhold, stonewall, go superior on you, insult you, or shame you, they’re not setting a boundary. They’re going “one-up.” It’s a subtle way to dominate and control someone, while framing it as psychologically healthy. Healthy relational boundaries that share power don’t just protect the boundary-setter; they also resist the understandable temptation to rebel against someone who’s going one up, by meeting one up with one up, exercising power and domination in the name of boundaries. As our mothers said, “Two wrongs don’t make a right.”
One-Up Behavior Masquerading as Boundaries
Let’s name some examples of this dynamic—because it’s often sneaky.