What If You Give More Than You Receive In Every One Of Your Relationships?

Love School Q&A

Because we’re writing a book together about the health impacts of unbalanced, non-reciprocal, and oppressive relationships, my partner Jeff Rediger and I have been previewing some of what we’re writing about in the book in online Zoom workshops. When we taught Healing Attachment Wounds In Relationship and, before that, Preparing The Heart To Love Again, we were surprised at how many questions people asked in the Q&A. In preparation for an upcoming relationship workshop Jeff and I are teaching, we kept track of those ten pages of questions and thought we’d address a few of the ones we didn’t get a chance to answer in a Love School Q&A series.

Learn more about HEALING THROUGH RELATIONSHIP here.

What do you do when the balance is off in every single relationship, when you’re always less important to the other person than they are to you, and when you’re always giving more than you’re receiving in literally every relationship?

-Mare

Dear Mare,

Ouch. Even the question hurts my heart. I’m not going to insult your intelligence by saying, “Just love yourself and go watch a sunset.” If every relationship in your life is that unbalanced, I can only guess that you didn’t get what is every human child’s birthright- the unconditional love of your parents. It’s not fair, but the factory that doles out parents might give some kiddos Monday morning parents, who are all shiny off the conveyor belt with all their bells and whistles working and all the love and cuddles showered upon their children, without any need for those kiddos to earn that love. Other kids, through no fault of their own, might get Friday afternoon parents, put together with all the leftovers and broken parts scattered about after a week at the factory. Those Friday afternoon parents might have no business being parents, because they probably had Friday afternoon parents themselves, who might have taught them that you have to settle for exploitation, because unconditional love is not on the menu.

Or maybe you had Monday morning parents, but they died or gave you up or got lost to mental illness or addiction or some other tragedy.

I don’t know what happened, but I do know that people don’t wind up tolerating unbalanced or exploitative relationships unless they think that’s as good as it’s going to get and that’s all they deserve. So I’m sorry. Because Mare, you, like every other beautiful human being on this planet, deserve more.

I know that no matter how much I might tell you to grab that heartbroken young part who’s grasping for connection with people who aren’t grasping back, to hold that sweet kiddo to your chest and rock her in your Big Mama arms and tell her how valuable, precious, worthy, and amazing she is, no words can bring back or replace what you didn’t get back then.

So let’s just acknowledge that. Because it fucking sucks.

You deserved better, and I’m so sorry nobody modeled reciprocal, balanced relationships for you or helped you build the healthy self-esteem that would protect you from choosing relationships with people who might not be wired to give much back. You have a right to be pissed about that. You have every right to grieve and minister to your broken heart. I wish I could be your fairy godmother and magically manifest for you the mother or father you should have had.

But I can’t. And I won’t bullshit you. That may be a lifelong void that will always ache inside, no matter how much therapy you do or how many people you think might fill that void but ultimately fail to do so.

But your situation is not hopeless. Therapy can help. But if you can’t afford or access therapy, there is something you can do to discern which ones of these asshats are worth keeping around and which ones need the heave ho.

Sometimes we pick people we initially feel special getting close to, maybe because they’re beautiful or intelligent or charismatic or talented or inspirational or rich or famous or powerful, and we borrow some of their glow by being in their orbit. But after the initial love-bombing sheen wears off during the honeymoon period, we realize we’ve been chosen as narcissistic supply. We’re more of a prop to these people than an actual friend, partner, or family member.

They might benefit from having you close, maybe because you bend over backwards to fawn them, do favors for them, or inconvenience yourself to make it easy to spend time with them. And maybe that was okay for a while, because you got attention or a hit of specialness or a fun experience out of it. But this phase usually ends when you’re the one with needs. As long as you’re available to be someone’s “beck and call” girl, things might seem hunky dory. But all of us have needs, and sometimes we’re all particularly needy, as when we get sick or lose someone we love or get down on our luck financially. That’s when you’d expect to be able to call in the favors from those you’ve been so generous with. And that’s why the rejection stings so much when you realize the generosity in a relationship doesn’t go both ways.

So, you grieve. It hurts to realize that the people you’ve prioritized aren’t always prioritizing you back. But don’t give up hope. Sometimes relationships are only as unbalanced as they are because you’ve tolerated it being so. Not to let an opportunist off the hook, but if you make it easy for people to exploit you, even someone capable of more balanced, reciprocal relationships might see an opportunity to get some of their own needs met without having to give back. The minute you cut off the gravy train, the dynamic will change.

If someone is very high on the narcissism spectrum, that might mean the death knell of the relationship. Your boost in self-esteem and expectation of more reciprocity might make the other person say “See ya.” And that can feel super scary, dear Mare. Because we love who we love, and it’s always frightening to risk losing connections we care about.

But you might be surprised. If you were to have a vulnerable conversation with these folks and express how you feel, speaking on behalf of the parts of you that feel sad about the lack of balance and hurt by your feeling that they don’t care about you as much as you care about them, you might have a breakthrough. Sometimes people in unbalanced relationships come off as strong, invulnerable, and lacking in any need, so other people might innocently think you’re just fine, thank you very much.

If you feel shy asking for someone else to prioritize your needs, if your fear of rejection is so strong that you don’t even ask for someone to put themselves out on your behalf, they might mistakenly think you don’t need anything. Then it’s really easy for them to take advantage of your perceived strength, availability, and generosity.

But if you spoke up honestly, in a non-blaming, non-shaming way, and expressed how some parts of you feel uncomfortable with always being the one who puts herself out for the other, and if you did so in a way that set the other person up for success, you might be delighted to discover that others are ready to give back, if only you open up, get vulnerable, ask very specifically for what you need, and be willing to receive.

And if they say “Fuck off,” then maybe just go love yourself and watch a sunset. And try again with the next person. Because good people who will give back as much as they take from you are out there. Then one day, maybe you’ll accept that void in your chest, make peace with how unfair it is that you got Friday afternoon parents, and quit trying to replace what you’ll never quite get on the outside, but might someday find inside your own heart.

Until then, all my care and empathy,

Lissa Rankin, MD

*If you want to devote the first weekend of the New Year to exploring how to deepen your relationships, learn to make them more balanced, and turn your friends, loved ones, or other intimates into healing relationships, join me and psychiatrist Dr. Jeffrey Rediger for HEALING THROUGH RELATIONSHIP.

*If you have questions you’d like Jeff or I to answer in a future column or in our upcoming workshop, just post them in the comments below.