The Body Is Often A Trailhead...To Narcissists Who Make You Sick

Having Compassion For Parts That "Fawn" Narcissists & Predispose Us To Illness

In the Internal Family Systems (IFS) model, the body can be a trailhead that takes us into getting curious about root causes that might underlie physical symptoms. Every individual is different, and every physical symptom can have countless root causes, including external factors, like environmental toxins, or internal factors that may not much to do with trauma, like having two copies of a recessive gene, or collective, systemic, and societal factors, like poverty or systemic racism.

But since 85% of illnesses have been shown to be stress-related, it's worth at least getting curious and walking down the trailhead of any physical symptoms that arises, in case we discover something that might be within our power to change, something that could improve our health outcomes. If we find nothing on that trail, fair enough. But usually, in my experience, people learn something about how to live a healthier life by at least exploring the trail.

After years of patient care as a physician, one of the most common root causes my patients discovered in their inner journeys was relational. We tend not to want to look at whether our relationships could be linked to our illnesses. It's easier to take a pill and pretend it's just a chemical imbalance or a hormonal issue or something wrong with an organ than to admit that we might be in a toxic marriage or enmeshed with a narcissistic parent who is controlling us or at the mercy of an abusive boss who is slave-driving us. We may even know in our hearts that the relationship is poisonous to our mental and physical health, but we justify it. “But what about the kids?” Or “But I need the money.” Or “I’ll be alone forever if I face the reality of this unhealthy relationship.” Or “But I made a vow.” We may feel trapped in these dynamics, preferring to medicate ourselves rather than even consider changing the hormonal milieu inside the body to see if the body improves if we set clear boundaries to protect ourselves or get ourselves out of stress-inducing relationships altogether.

My patients were often terrified to even go down a trailhead that might point to dealing with unhealthy relationships as a part of a whole health treatment plan because there can be so much denial around what’s really true in our relationships. It's sometimes easier to be an ostrich around such things. Those ostriching parts are understandable! But ostriching doesn't lead to optimal health outcomes. Getting compassionately curious about what might be dysregulating our nervous systems and leading to chronic inflammation, sympathetic stress hormone overload, or dorsal vagal collapse and dissociation can be revealing, as long as we're gentle with ourselves and holding our parts tenderly.

When I encourage patients to explore the body as a trailhead, one of the most common root causes patients have said they've found is the wounding of getting caught up in boundaryless, enmeshed, anxiously or avoidantly attached relationships or narcissistic/ codependent relationships where one person is over-giving and someone else is under-giving. (You can read about the Narcissus myth and how Echo hooks into that pattern here.) In such dynamics, whoever has the most ego strength often overpowers and controls and exploits the one with less ego strength, who feeds the one overpowering parasitically and can be drained of life force. At its extreme, you get the classic narcissist/co-dependent pairing, but there are subtleties in less extreme versions of this dynamic that can also impact physical health and deplete life force.

Anecdotally at least, the most significant impacts on physical health tend to arise when a trauma survivor is victimized by extreme narcissistic abuse, undue influence, and coercive control in an ongoing abusive relationship. When we cannot stand up for ourselves, when we become pushovers and doormat ourselves for those who insist on exploiting our vulnerabilities and generosity, our bodies are impacted- because our nervous systems can't handle being dominated and exploited when we deserve to be loved, not love bombed.

Growing up in an abusive home with narcissistic parents can leave lasting impacts on an individual's mental and physical health. Children who grow up in such environments learn to accommodate, people-please, reflexively appease, and fawn authority figures or attachment figures or others who demonstrate narcissistic tendencies, in order to avoid conflict and maintain a false sense of safety, even though such individuals are essentially unsafe. The people pleaser might even know that what they are doing is unhealthy and harmful for the body. But they can't help it. The appeasing parts are automatic, as impulsively reflexive as any addiction, something you can't help or control without treatment for the appeasing parts and the parts they protect.

You might know you need to set boundaries or get out. You might have insight into how unhealthy it is to keep accommodating someone strongly narcissistic. You might be aware that this relationship is harming your health. But that doesn't mean you won't jump the next time the narcissist looks at you sideways or makes an entitled demand or tests you to see how obedient you'll be, so they can feel safe that they have total control over you. The spell a narcissist can cast over someone made vulnerable by childhood wounding is powerful, sometimes too powerful to resist without the right therapy.

That doesn't mean the narcissist isn't also impacted by trauma or by the way they abuse and exploit others. Most discussions about healing from narcissistic abuse fail to acknowledge that narcissistic parts typically result from developmental trauma. In the language of IFS, children with a certain kind of wounding develop a narcissistic part as part of a survival strategy, usually because they were overpowered, controlled, physically or sexually abused, neglected, or pressured by helicopter parents who expected perfectionism. Or they were taught to accept approval for obedient behavior as a cheap substitute for the unconditional love all children deserve. If the child becomes Daddy's little girl or Mommy's little man- if they are Mommy’s little helper or Daddy’s right hand boy, if they are given more favor than Daddy's partner or Mommy's partner, if they are falsely empowered to behave more grown up than they actually are, it's nearly impossible for a child not to get intoxicated by this kind of false power- and to grow up hungry for more of it.

Also, if a child grows up feeling controlled, overpowered, or approved of only when they are compliant or overachieving, such parenting may lead to the development of a protector part that has a heightened, grandiose sense of self-importance, a strong need for validation from others, a need for power and control, and an ambitious desire to be the best (even if they're the best at being the worst). Understanding the root cause of narcissistic behavior can help those who are victimized by such people humanize their abuser so we don’t cast these people out of the wholeness of humanity as untreatable monsters.

But having compassion for someone's trauma and why they behave the way they do doesn't mean we shouldn't enforce firm, even harsh boundaries, or end the relationship altogether, if need be. We want to humanize abusive people, but we don't want to practice naive compassion, using this spiritual bypassing strategy to let abusers off the hook of accountability or justify conflict avoidance when confrontation with clear boundaries would be in order.

Although narcissistic individual are also impacted by the soul-killing way they behave with those they harm, they're usually impacted less than the individuals they victimize. It was a sobering moment when, as a doctor, I came to the conclusion that assholes tend to live longer, that it's usually the nicest people who die far too young or get disabled early. It's as if some people just suck the life force out of others, feeding themselves while depleting their narcissistic prey and draining their prey into illness.

Sadly, the untreated people-pleasing wound disables the ability of the prey to resist the parasitic sucking- because resisting would require confronting the narcissist, saying no, pulling your own life force back into your own body, setting boundaries, being strong and unfuckwithable enough to enforce those boundaries, and having the gumption to cut that person off completely if they can't respect your boundaries. Actually following through on those kinds of behaviors is easier said than done for someone conditioned to reflexively fawn narcissists.

So how do you actually break the pattern? The first step towards ending the people-pleasing, accommodating, reflexively appeasing, and fawning narcissists pattern is to set firm but kind boundaries. (I suggest a 14 step practice here.)

Setting boundaries with narcissistic types can be challenging since those with narcissistic parts often lack empathy and may not respect the boundaries of others. If you say no to a narcissist or thwart their agenda, this feels like a narcissistic injury to that individual, and they may explode, defend, attack, threaten you, or minimize or deny that you even set a boundary or said no. Setting boundaries with someone narcissistic tends to make them feel out of control, and they may try to manipulate, push, seduce, or coerce you into collapsing the boundary.

The trick is to be a sturdy tree, not a pushover. This may require professional help, since appeasing parts can be very very strong protectors that protect parts underneath that may be terrified and intimidated by anyone demonstrating narcissistic tendencies- or even by someone not narcissistic but firmer in their own boundaries. It's one thing to understand the pattern and make a plan to behave differently. It's a whole other ball of wax to actually hold your ground when someone narcissistic makes a fuss about your boundary.

What kind of boundaries are you entitled to have? Boundaries can be physical, such as requesting that someone not touch you or limiting contact with the narcissist and dialing the intimacy dial down so you have more physical space. You can set emotional boundaries, such as refusing to engage in conversations that are hurtful or triggering and cutting someone off if they get emotionally abusive or start manipulating you. You can set financial boundaries, cutting off the gravy train if need be. You can boundary against attempts to control you by standing strong when you're being coerced. You can set property boundaries, refusing to let someone use your car, stay in your house, eat your food, or borrow your clothes. You can set time boundaries, such as making it clear you’re not willing to wait indefinitely if someone is chronically late. And you as a last resort, you can set legal boundaries by getting lawyers or law enforcement.

Most importantly, if at all possible, eliminate dual relationships with anyone strongly narcissistic . A dual relationship is one that crosses categories, such as doing business with the father of your child- or befriending a client- or dating a work colleague- or going into the family business- or writing a book with your therapist- or dating your patient- or hitting on your workshop client. Dual relationships are fraught with ethical problems, whether one of you in narcissistic or not. But if you’re dealing with some strongly blended with narcissistic parts, they’re particularly dangerous. When you're in a dual relationship with a narcissist, there's too much at stake. If you need to leave the romance, for example, you might also lose your job. Or if you need to quit your job, you might also lose your family. If you’re early in recovery and just learning to set boundaries, keeping relationships in only one category- friend, family, colleague, roommate, romantic partner, co-parent, etc- keeps things cleaner.

Communicating boundaries clearly and consistently is important, but it's pointless to set boundaries unless you also have a clear plan for what you'll do if those boundaries are crossed- and the hutzpah to enforce consequences if they are violated. This can be very challenging for those conditioned to fawn narcissists, who often have a dorsal vagal dissociative "freeze and fawn" response if someone intimidating and bullying crashes through the boundary they've set.

If the appeasing pattern is deeply ingrained, you probably won't be able to break this pattern on your own. Just like most people can't break an addiction without treatment and Step 1 of the 12 steps is admitting you’re powerless to change things on your own, jumping when a narcissist says “Jump” is as much of an out of control addiction as a substance abuse addition or sex addiction. You'll likely need help to break out of this pattern, enlisting the help of a good therapist or a lawyer or at least a trusted friend who can help you hold the boundaries as an accountability partner if you're not strong enough to hold your own. You can also try 12-stepping CODA (Codependents Anonymous) or if you can afford it, an inpatient recovery program like Pia Mellody's The Meadows.

Recovery is a journey, but it is possible to break the pattern and get healthier, physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. We talk a lot about the red flags, but for some tips on recognizing the green flags of healthier relationships, read a list of green flags here.

What about you? What has helped those of you who have been conditioned to fawn narcissists and struggle to stop the pattern? Or maybe you’re on the other side of this dynamic and you’ve struggled to accept somebody else’s no and find yourself bullying or pressuring someone to collapse their boundary. Either way, learning to protect ourselves and each other with clear and negotiable boundaries is key to long lasting health. So good luck in your recovery.

*Art credit: Jennifer Bruce