How Do You Define A "Spiritual" Person?

Excerpt from Love Bigger: An Exploration of Spirituality Without Spiritual Bypassing

“You push the TRUTH off a cliff, but it will always fly. You can submerge the TRUTH under water, but it will not drown. You can place the TRUTH in the fire, but it will survive. You can bury the TRUTH beneath the ground, but it will arise. TRUTH always prevails!”

― Amaka Imani Nkosazana

I realized as I was unpacking what spirituality is not, while trying to piece together a quilt of what a true, grounded, embodied, trauma-informed, emotionally-sensitive, empathic, socially just spirituality might be, I realized that some of our challenges finding an inclusive kind of spirituality might have to do with definitions. I asked myself how I would define a “spiritual person,” but then I realized that someone else might define a “spiritual person” much differently. I also began to question how we define and practice spirituality through the lens of certain unearned privileges we may or may not have.

I was thinking back to a class I did years ago Relationships On The Spiritual Path. What motivated me to create this program was the preponderance of clients and friends who repeatedly complained to me that the more they devoted themselves to the spiritual path, the more they struggled in relationships with people who were not “spiritual.” They often wrestled internally between their desire to maintain intimacy with loved ones, spouses, and close friends who were not “spiritual,” but they felt torn between growing spiritually and keeping the relationship.

This was very different than the way I saw relationships- as a crucible for spiritual development, a place where that which is in need of healing will get unearthed so it can be dealt with- in relationship. I decided to bring in a bunch of experts so we could unpack this question of how to address relationships where commitment and devotion to the spiritual path might be unequal between people who otherwise dearly love each other.

Unbeknownst to each other, two partners in a romantic couple had both signed up for the class. Both had signed up because they thought their partner was lagging behind spiritually and they were bereft. The young woman had been diagnosed with a life-threatening illness, and she was in aggressive treatment for her disease.  He judged her as “less than” spiritually because she was angry and disappointed in him for failing to emotionally support her in her time of need. He then blamed her for her less than spiritual emotions and pressured her to "get out of her victim story" and attend to her own needs. 

She had what I considered the very reasonable expectation that he would help take her to treatments, support her physically and emotionally, and have empathy for her suffering. Yet she was pissed off and resentful when he didn't want to show up for her in this way, often because he was meditating for hours every day. Because he wasn’t showing up to support her in ways that would have felt nurturing and caring to her, she assessed him as spiritually lagging behind, since she thought he was spiritually bypassing the pain of her scary reality. He, on the other hand, thought she needed to meditate more, take care of meeting her own needs, act less needy, behave with less emotional reactivity, and put her “stuff” on him less. She was broken-hearted. He was numb and bewildered about why she was so upset at him.

They wound up breaking up during our class when he got on the call live and said his girlfriend wasn't spiritual enough- not knowing that she was also in the class, listening in. Years later, I heard that they worked through all that, grew from it, and got back together. But the rupture happened because they had different ideas about how a "spiritual person" behaves, thinks, acts, and shows up in a relationship.

I had struggled with similar discrepancies between what I considered a “spiritual person” and what someone else did. When I was at the peak of my spiritual bypassing phase, I considered a spiritual person someone who uses every adversity in their lives as fuel for spiritual growth, someone who does their inner work, takes responsibility for their triggers, resists blaming or judging other people, avoids spiraling into a victim story, meditates regularly, works through their own emotions independently without burdening others with their emotional reactivity, and if someone else needs to get involved, practices careful, non-triggering communication styles, in a non-violent, scripted and precise way. 

Of course, this meant I also didn’t give myself (or others) permission to have needs, be messy with emotions, be imperfect in their communication, or be dependent on others in times of crisis. I was kind of a spiritual bully- with myself and others. I was not particularly empathic during this phase, and it wound up being a very lonely phase of my life. My ideas of what makes a “spiritual person” are now vastly different, but even so, I no longer impose my definitions on other people or try to overlay my spirituality onto someone else.

I came to realize that differences in what defines a “spiritual person”- and all the judgments, assumptions, hurt feelings, and expectations that arise in the wake of those differences- often creates a lot of conflict, even among two people who both consider themselves “spiritual.” To explore how others define a “spiritual” person, I crowdsourced the question “What is a “spiritual” person?” on Facebook, and I was startled to see how vast the differences were. Some people defined a “spiritual person” as someone with enough spiritual power to “manifest” everything they wanted. Others defined how spiritual someone was based on how many hours per day someone meditated or practiced yoga. Some thought “spiritual” people are always in a state of blissful equanimity, while “unspiritual” people get cranky and reactive and pick fights with their loved ones. 

Curious what people on Facebook had to say in response to the question “What is a “spiritual” person?”

“Someone who values what it means to be fully alive and fully human in all its expressions of the human experience.”

“For me, spirituality is knowing (and I mean really knowing. right through to my bones) that I am intrinsically connected to the wisdom and power of life itself, knowing that I was created by that force, and it is that which ultimately keeps me alive and sustains me. It also means not ducking out of living my life in a way that does some good. It means living in a way that (as much as possible) does no harm to others. It means striving for self-mastery while knowing I will fail in such efforts. It means seeing my bullshit, taking responsibility for processing, healing, and integrating the learning so that I can make a contribution. Having said all of that, I am resigned to the fact that I fall well short of what it means to be truly spiritual.”

“To me, being spiritual means being in harmony with all my relations and being respectful of all beings (mineral, plant, animal, human, ancestors, etc.). It means doing the right thing, not out of fear of not making it into some blissed-out afterlife place, but out of integrity and ethics. It means learning how to be present in my body and my truth while learning how to become flexible and ride the ebb and flow of life. It means keeping my heart open while respecting myself through clearly communicated boundaries, and having gratitude for all the lessons I get so I can work on myself before trying to fix anyone else. It is acting from a place of love, curiosity, and wonder, even when I don't agree with something or someone. It is being aware of the legacy I am leaving, and making sure I leave my little chunk of time and space better than I found it, once it is my time to part ways with my physical body.”

“Spirituality is a dimension of every human person, akin to intellect, athleticism, and artistic creativity. We all have at least some of everything, but some people have more of one (or more) than others. I'll never pitch for the Red Sox, but I can enjoy a walk in the woods or a swim in the ocean. Some people are drawn to developing their spiritual capacities. Others- not so much. Labeling someone a ‘spiritual person’ or an ‘athletic person’ or an ‘artistic person’ draws a dividing line through their multi-dimensional personhood, and tends to flatten out the one thing they're ‘good at.’ A genuinely spiritual person would have a depth to their wisdom and compassion that others lack, but would most likely resist the label of ‘spiritual person.’

“A spiritual person is patient, curious, kind, humble, embodied, and prone to wonder, someone who consciously connects to something larger. A spiritual person is someone who attends to their spirit as a means of connecting to others and embodying the attributes of unconditional love, peace, authenticity, humility, and wisdom. Authenticity is key, along with humility and wisdom, as is concern for social justice and equal human rights. A spiritual person is someone who is authentic with all of who they are, someone who does personal growth and psychotherapy so that they don’t repeat ancestral abuse and pass it on to their kids, someone who is emotionally mature and can catch themselves when they act out, someone self-aware and honest, someone who is not perfect, not in denial, not looking for a bliss trip, but fully grounded here in reality and engaged in political activism.” A spiritual person is basically a good person. They do not have to practice yoga, attend church or temple, meditate, chant, believe in the law of attraction, or be totally unmaterialistic. But they do need to have good moral standards and adhere to them. Everyone knows what that means.”

“A spiritual person is grounded in reality, but open to the mysteries of the unseen world. A spiritual person has a deep connection to the natural world and deep respect for all beings. A spiritual person is compassionate, curious, open-hearted, courageous, and kind. A spiritual person values critical thinking and discernment--and is not afraid to set healthy boundaries. A spiritual person understands that everything is connected and impermanent. A spiritual person strives to be of benefit to others.”

“Someone who seeks connection to something deeper than the human mind, who seeks to find meaning in the universe and why we are here, who seeks a map to living more fully, peacefully and open-heartedly, and who recognises the interconnectivity of all of life and nature. Someone who recognises we are more than just our bodies and has a curiosity about life beyond the body.”

“I think we are all inherently spiritual people. Some of the most spiritual people I know are actually atheists. It doesn’t matter. They are connected, caring and lovely beings. Meanwhile, people I know who believe in something can be disconnected, judgmental, and egotistical. I see the spirit in the people who express their true nature, regardless of whether they even acknowledge the world of spirit.”

How Do I Define A “Spiritual” Person? What is Spirituality To Me?

I spent so much energy debunking oppressive spiritual bypassing teachings and belief systems during the early pandemic, unpacking how these teachings groom us to tolerate abuse without holding perpetrators accountable, that many of you asked me what I still believe in. I tried my best back then to cobble together an attempted answer to an unanswerable question, and what I wrote then still applies today.

Before I do, let me just say that I don’t believe anyone can answer that question for you. So take a moment to examine your own answer to this vital question.

How do YOU define a “spiritual” person? I’d love to hear your feedback.

In the next post, I’ll take a stab at trying to answer that question myself. So please subscribe if you’re curious to hear an attempted answer. If this topic of examining spirituality- without spiritual bypassing- resonates with you, please consider a paid subscription. That’s where I’m releasing two entire unpublished books- Love Bigger: An Exploration of Spirituality Without Spiritual Bypassing and The Boundaries Handbook. I appreciate all of your support so much!

*Photo credit Monique Feil