One of the questions I get asked most often in my Love School community, where we talk about the hard, beautiful, deep, intimate, messy parts of relationships through an IFS lens, is this:

How can I know who to trust?

It's not a small question. In a world where betrayal, gaslighting, manipulation, spiritual bypassing, and unresolved trauma are epidemic, discerning who is actually trustworthy can feel like trying to navigate a foggy coastline in a leaky canoe, blindfolded, with no compass.

Many of us never has trustworthiness modeled for us. Or we were taught to give our trust away too easily, especially if someone was charming, love bombed us, seemed spiritual, had credentials, or said the right words. We gave our trust because we were naive, or lonely, or trauma-bonded, or innocently hopeful, or because someone had power over us and we didn’t know how to say no.

But learning how to tell who is truly safe isn’t just about identifying red flags. That’s part of it, yes, but it’s also about learning the green flags of trustworthiness. And most importantly, it’s about learning to trust yourself - your body, your parts, your Self energy- so that your internal compass can reliably guide you toward those whose hearts, words, and actions align.

I’ve written a lot about how to spot the red flags of untrustworthy relationships.

So what does trustworthiness look like?

Let me share what I’ve come to recognize in people I’ve grown to deeply trust over time.

1. They Do What They Say They Will Do

Trustworthy people follow through. They say they’ll call, and they call. They offer to help, and they show up. They don’t dangle you with promises they don’t keep. They don’t ghost, vanish, or flake out repeatedly without explanation. They don’t make you feel crazy for expecting the basic dignity of reliability, and they don’t blow you off with dismissive excuses like “It’s not in the flow for me today.”

And when life inevitably disrupts plans- because it does- they let you know. They text to say they’re running late. They circle back if they dropped the ball. Their word means something to them, and they don’t use ambiguity or silence to control the relationship. There are no smoke and mirrors. No manipulating with confusion or half-truths. You don’t have to be a detective to figure out what’s going on. They’re transparent and don’t play games.

2. They Take Responsibility for Their Actions

We all screw up. Every one of us. But the trustworthy ones own it. They don’t deflect, blame, or make excuses, unless the excuse is truly understandable (like being late because of a traffic accident). They’re not constantly justifying why they were out of integrity. They don’t throw others under the bus to get off the hook.

If they act in ways that hurt or disappoint you, they don’t say, “Well, you made me do it.” Or “You're just too sensitive.” Or “You're projecting.” (If someone weaponizes therapeutic language to gaslight you, that’s a red flag, not a green one.)

Instead, they might say: “You're right. I let you down. I see the impact that had. I'm really sorry. I want to repair this, if you're open.”

You’ll know when someone is taking genuine ownership. It feels clean and softens the body. There's no slimy residue of manipulation, just an honest desire to make things right again.

3. They’re Emotionally Regulated—Most of the Time

No one is perfectly regulated. But trustworthy people aren’t walking volcanoes. They don’t routinely yell, rage, stonewall, sulk, or explode. You don’t feel like you have to tiptoe around their feelings to keep the peace.

They don’t shut down completely or leave you to carry the emotional weight alone. Nor do they offload all their feelings onto you in ways that feel overwhelming or inappropriate. They’re not dumping. They’re not performing emotional exhibitionism. But they’re not withholding either.

They can say, “I’m feeling tender right now,” or “That hit a nerve,” or “Can we take a break and come back to this?”

You get the sense that they’ve done some work to befriend their emotions—and their parts—and they’re not letting those parts drive the car.

4. They’re Consistent (But Not Rigid)

One of the biggest green flags I’ve learned to notice is predictability. Not in a boring way—but in a way that feels like safety.

When someone is consistent, you don’t get emotional whiplash. You’re not wondering who they’ll be today—the kind, generous version? Or the cold, withholding one? You’re not constantly scanning their tone of voice or body language to gauge whether it’s safe to be real.

That doesn’t mean they never change or evolve. But their character is stable. They don’t become unrecognizable under stress. Their values don’t shapeshift depending on who’s in the room.

They’re not perfect, but you can generally guess how they’ll respond in a given situation. And that predictability builds trust.

5. They’re Curious, Not Defensive

A trustworthy person can stay curious, especially in conflict. They can listen to your experience without immediately making it about them. They don’t need to prove their innocence or silence your pain. They can say, “Tell me more,” or “Help me understand,” or “I didn’t realize that landed that way. Thank you for telling me.”

They’re not just waiting for their turn to talk. They’re genuinely listening, not to refute or argue or reframe your story to make themselves look better, but to genuinely connect.

And you can tell they’re listening, because their responses reflect what you actually said—not the assumptions in their own head.

6. They Don’t Use Violence—Of Any Kind

This one should be obvious, but let’s name it clearly: Trustworthy people do not use violence—physical, emotional, or verbal—as a means to get their needs met.

They don’t intimidate. They don’t scream. They don’t grab your arm, punch a wall, or slam doors. They don’t call you names, roll their eyes, use sarcasm as a weapon, or humiliate you in front of others. They don’t “joke” in ways that degrade you. They don’t withdraw love or approval to punish you. They don’t weaponize silence or affection. They don’t resort to cruelty, even when they’re hurting.

This doesn’t mean they never feel rage or despair or grief or jealousy. It means they’ve developed the capacity to be with those emotions without taking them out on someone else.

7. They Use Power Responsibly

Everyone has power—relational power, emotional power, spiritual authority, social influence. But trustworthy people don’t misuse it. They don’t dominate. They don’t coerce. They don’t “big talk” over your quiet voice or use credentials, spiritual teachings, or psychological concepts to “one up” you and make themselves superior.

Instead, they wield power in collaborative, empowering ways. They’re generous with their influence. They uplift others. They understand that true power doesn’t require control; it invites co-creation. If they’re a leader, a therapist, a coach, or a guide, they’re humble. They don’t need to be put on a pedestal- and if you try, they’ll gently step down from it and remind you that you have your own inner guidance too.

8. They Know Themselves—and They’re Willing to Keep Learning

Trustworthy people have insight into their own patterns. They’re doing their shadow work. They know their triggers. They know their protective parts. They know when they’re getting hijacked, and they’re willing to pause, get curious, and ask what’s really going on inside.

They’re not self-aware as a performance. They’re not flaunting their shadow work or acting superior because they’ve been to therapy. They’re just sincerely interested in being a better human—for themselves, for others, to be a good ancestor, for the planet.

They’re transparent, to the best of their ability. They don’t hide behind masks or personas. They don’t pretend to be someone they’re not to get you to like them. They’re not trying to manage your impression of them. They’re willing to let you see them—flaws, tenderness, all of it. And they’re willing to see you too.

If you didn’t grow up with people like this, you may not know how to recognize these qualities- or how to trust them when they appear. Part of healing from relational trauma is letting yourself receive safe love. Letting yourself believe that trustworthy people exist. Because they do.

If you’re on this path, learning to trust your own inner compass, befriending your parts, and anchoring in your Self, you’re becoming a more trustworthy person too.

You don’t have to be perfect to be trustworthy. None of us are. But you do have to be real. And you have to be willing to be accountable, kind, humble, and human.

So if you’ve been burned, if your nervous system still flinches when someone reaches out, if your inner protectors are guarding your heart with barbed wire—take heart. You’re not wrong for being cautious. But keep looking for the green flags. Keep honoring your inner radar. Keep choosing truth over performance, curiosity over control, integrity over charm.

Trust is not something to give away lightly. It’s something you build—one safe, sacred, soul-aligned moment at a time. And when you find those people who are worthy of it?

Hold them close. They’re rare. And they’re gold. And you’re worth it.

For more on the green flags of healthy relationship, scoot over to the blog on my main website and read We Know The Red Flags Of Unhealthy Relationships, But What Are The Green Flags Of Healthy Ones? Sign up for the newsletter at LissaRankin.com if you want to stay in the loop of my more in depth writing.

And if you have questions about relationships, write to support@LissaRankin.com and I just might use one of your questions to write a response! Or if you want to increase your chances of getting your personal questions answered, please join us for LOVE SCHOOL.

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*Art Credit Melissa Carroll

How Can You Tell Who Is Trustworthy?