Did Your Soul Really Choose Your Trauma In This "Earth School?"

How spiritual beliefs can override our self-protection and boundaries, putting us at risk of becoming "relationsick"

Many spiritual teachers and therapists promote the idea that we need to challenge and dispute our faulty thinking. But the minute you begin to challenge the actual belief systems and ideas they might be promoting, watch out. In order to practice healthy discernment and participate in dismantling systems of oppression, we would be wise to think twice about some of the religious or New Age beliefs we might be tempted to parrot without fully considering how they might impact not only ourselves, but other people we might overlay those beliefs on.

As part of our ongoing deconstruction in LOVE BIGGER: An Exploration of Spirituality Beyond Spiritual Bypassing, let’s tackle the belief “Your soul chose this life, including your traumas.”

Nearly every religion attempts to answer the question, “Why do tragic things happen to good and innocent people?” It’s human nature to try to make meaning out of trauma. One common spiritual belief in many spiritual traditions is that tragic, traumatic, crushing things happen to you (and others) because your soul (or God) chose these adversities as a soul growth assignment. You might even feel grateful for someone who is tormenting you, because you’ve been told this is how you grow spiritually.

Unfortunately, as I write about in my upcoming book RELATIONSICK (which you can preorder here), such spiritual beliefs can be used to justify and tolerate narcissistic abuse, explain away injustice, override boundaries, rob someone of agency, and put someone at risk of becoming “relationsick.” Unless we deconstruct indoctrinated beliefs meant to prevent you from challenging oppressive power dynamics, our spirituality might even make us mean, stealing our empathy and causing us to look the other way when someone in need is suffering. It might also cause us to overlook our own need for help when we get stuck in cages of manipulation, gaslighting, and spiritualization of toxic relationships.

So let’s unpack this belief through a trauma-informed, social justice conscious lens, one that helps you move towards health, vitality, and life force, rather than causing you to justify or enable those who might drain you of it, all in the name of “my soul chose this person as my teacher.”