Common Ways Boundary-Wounded People Pair Up- Part II

In Common Ways Boundary-Wounded People Pair Up- Part I, we talked about the four kinds of boundary-wounded parts- compliant, controller, nonresponsive, and avoidant, and looked at 3 types of pairings- compliant/compliant, compliant/ aggressive controller, and compliant/ seductive controller. In this post, we’ll be focusing on a few other common boundary-wounded pair ups, specifically controller/ controller, compliant/ nonresponsive, and avoidants with nearly all types.

Controller/ Controller

When two people who feel entitled to control each other pair up, it may feel like an ecstatic, exciting, sometimes highly eroticized match at first. Think “power couples” like Bill and Hillary Clinton (and we know how that played out) or Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt (ditto) or business partnerships between two high powered and talented individuals who are not good at collaborating. Healthy partnerships require sharing power, not one-upping or one-downing. Because those with strong controller parts both want to hold all the power in the relationship, this kind of unstable pairing will often combust fairly quickly and dramatically. These are the people who get married but then cry “Divorce!” once a week, calling their lawyers, making scary threats, and then having a lot of hot make up sex. These business partnerships often end badly- in court.

Two people can’t both be the one in control, so while they may volley back and forth with their power, the drama tends to escalate until one person leaves, betrays the other with an affair, cheats a business partner, or pulls a “one up” that destroys trust so drastically that the pair separates. Usually, one person finally gives up vying for power and submits to the compliant role- or the two end their relationship. But sometimes, these high conflict pairings survive- with a lot of fighting, a lot of threats to leave, and a lot of drama.

To Shift A Controller/ Controller Relationship Towards Healing

If there’s a move towards health, both controlling types might begin treating the traumas that made them controlling and power hungry to begin with. This kind of treatment revolves around learning to negotiate needs, share power, give up some of their control, take turns surrendering to each other, healing the wounded child that was probably overpowered, and if both can handle it, learning Boundaries 2.0. With an evolution towards health, pairings like this can be quite visionary if they become Self-led, moving the needle on global issues and leveraging all the gifts that tend to come with loads of power- without all the “one upping” drama.

In order for pairings like this to succeed, powerless inner children that got overpowered in the past must be sufficiently healed, retrieved, and integrated into the system by Self. Otherwise, no amount of therapy aimed at helping a pair like this share power will be powerful enough to override the needs of power hungry parts that can’t help themselves from making power grabs when the pain of those little overpowered exiles flare up. When the exiles realize that Self can do a better job negotiating on behalf of all parts than controlling parts can, those controlling, power hungry parts can finally relax, let go, and trust Self to make sure the system has enough power to avoid disempowering abuse- but not too much. Instead of flip flopping between polarized parts that dominate and submit, Self can conduct a symphonic dance between dominating parts and submissive parts in ways that can be quite beautiful if a controlling pair up is highly motivated to heal together.

Compliant/ Nonresponsive Relationship

Compliant parts can’t say no, while non-responsive parts can’t say YES to the responsibilities, inconveniences, sacrifices, and compromises that real love requires. People whose boundary wounding makes them nonresponsive are not responsive to love’s demands. Nonresponsive folks perceive other people’s needs as burdens they don’t want to be expected to care about. They feel put upon if others need them. These are the people whose partners fail to support them through chemotherapy or stay close when someone needs to emotionally process a trigger or show up when a loved one is genuinely in need and deserving of support and attention and nurturing. They may even use the "I'm setting a boundary" excuse when what they're really doing is justifying a cruel and abusive kind of neglect, often born out of avoidant attachment wounding that boundaries against intimacy. Those who are in your inner circle of trust and intimacy deserve to have an appropriate expectation that you’ll offer support, love, nurturing, and co-regulation when times get tough. But nonresponsive types will let others down time and time again when their loved ones genuinely need them.

Nonresponsive folks may expect to get their own needs met, but they might also not expect care from others, stoically distant, detached, and accepting of neglect, sometimes one sided, and sometimes both ways. In other words, they set boundaries when they shouldn’t, saying no when they should be saying yes to being responsive to and responsible for their loved ones needs (and sometimes, the needs of their own more vulnerable parts.)

In the complaint/ nonresponsive dynamic, the one with the compliant parts tends to comply and comply and comply, and the one who is wounded in ways that make him or her nonresponsive simply doesn’t respond to what love requires. The compliant one bends over backwards to please the nonresponsive one, but it’s almost like the harder the compliant one tries, the more he or she gets ignored. The nonresponsive one may even begin to turn up his or her nose up with contempt, seeing the compliant one as pitiful and disgusting, which only triggers more compliance as the desperation to get needs met escalates. The nonresponsive one forgets a birthday, avoids terms of endearment, withholds the expected acts of love, or otherwise leaves the compliant one feeling unappreciated, unloved, disrespected, unchosen, and definitely not a priority. As a result of the nonresponsiveness, the compliant one tries even harder, pretzeling their own authenticity to try to evoke loving behaviors, but it’s a losing battle. The harder the compliant one extends effort, the more the nonresponsive one withdraws.

The nonresponsive one tends to feel overwhelmed and burdened by the numerous needs and demands of the compliant one, and the harder the compliant one efforts, the more the nonresponsive one feels indebted and in over his or her head, which only triggers more withdrawal and avoidance. Why does the compliant one keep trying? Because the greatest fear of the compliant one is that if he or she doesn’t control the relationships by doing all the work for both, the other will leave. So the exhausted compliant one works and works and works at the relationship, becoming a worker, rather than a lover, trying to earn love and thinking others will abandon him or her if the compliant one doesn’t fall over backwards proving how lovable he or she is. 

Unfortunately, this doesn’t affect the nonresponsive’s behavior one bit. If anything, it makes it worse. The nonresponsive one doesn’t understand why the compliant one is trying so hard, often because the nonresponsive one may have never had to work hard at winning affection in relationships. Maybe because of their beauty, wealth, talent, charisma, or sexuality, others may have tended to fall over them, fawning and feeling lucky to get chosen by them. The nonresponsive one may have been one of the popular kids growing up, always in demand and never needing to work very hard to keep a relationship going. Often, the mother or father of the nonresponsive one also fawned over them, usually because they were exploiting the child for their own unmet needs, trading in approval and praise while foreclosing on unconditional love. As such, the nonresponsive one learned to overachieve or find a substitute for real worth in some way the culture may have valued. 

Because of this deep wounding, the nonresponsive one may not be used to losing people because of her nonresponsiveness. These are the mean girls who take on minions in high school and grow up to continue the pattern, not realizing that the minions are compliant types who don’t know how to say no to their often unreasonable requests. They may also be the CEO’s, politicians, doctors, lawyers, rock stars, movie stars, online celebrities, supermodels, and others who have prioritized developing certain gifts valued by the culture, while underdeveloping the capacity for reciprocal intimate relationships.

In relationship dynamics like this, the nonresponsive one may passively take from relationships but gives little in return, having normalized this pattern and thinking it’s okay. If he or she becomes even more nonresponsive, compliant types often work even harder to keep things going, so the nonresponsive one may not feel motivated to learn how to be more loving and show up for the responsibilities that come with intimacy. The compliant one in this dynamic takes far too much of the responsibility for maintaining the relationship, not letting the nonresponsive one take on their share of the load. Instead of trusting that a healthy relationship means that if one person quits shouldering the work of maintaining the relationship, the other will pick up the slack, the compliant one fears that the relationship will end if he or she stops doing all the work. Sadly, very often, they’re right.  

The nonresponsive one takes too little responsibility, figuring “Why should I work at the relationship, when the other person is willing to do all the work to carry the relationship for both of us?” The compliant one often does all the planning and managing of the relationship dynamic (as a stealth bid for control), so the nonresponsive one doesn’t have to plan, be put out, or get inconvenienced. If the relationship is to have a chance at being healthy, the compliant one needs to get to know why all that compliance keeps running the show, recognizing that it’s just a part- and a valuable part at that- but that the relationship will be healthier if Self can be more in the lead. This often means offering healing to the young part that didn’t have a choice to do anything but comply, usually because saying no was not on the menu earlier in life.

This pattern often plays out with two insecurely attached people, one who avoids conflict and intimacy (avoidant attachment) and one who wants more intimacy and leans in endlessly, wanting to process for hours and hours when conflict arises (ambivalent or anxious attachment). The disparity between these two attachment styles can create great pain for them both, as one person chases, making bids for connection, and the more one chases, the more the other runs away.

To Shift A Compliant/ Nonresponsive Relationship Towards Healing