Boundaries For Thanksgiving

How To Make It Clear What's Okay & What's Not Okay During The Holidays

There’s a saying in spiritual circles- “If you think you’re enlightened, go home.” No matter how great your childhood was, nothing brings up our core triggers and most regressed behaviors more than being around our family of origin.

I remember helping my mother prepare Thanksgiving one year in my early adulthood. She would make very reasonable requests, like “Hey honey, can you peel the sweet potatoes?” And instead of quietly complying, with a smile, like I would have in childhood, some ancient rebel in me would rise up and turn me into a little bitch.

“You are not the boss of me!”

She’d look at me, stunned, and start peeling the potatoes herself, wondering what had happened to her sweet little girl. it took me years in therapy to understand why I’d behave so immaturely when I was around my mother for the holidays.

One of my Love School students wrote to me lately with this story:

“There was a year I remember cutting the turkey with a smile on my face while my body quietly tried to disappear. On the outside, I was the good, grateful, gracious one. I labored tirelessly in the kitchen without complaining and served the food I’d prepped. I laughed at the stories I’d heard a thousand times. I passed plates, filled glasses, offered to clean up before anyone could stop me.

I imagine I looked fine from the outside, but on the inside, my chest was tight, my jaw was clamped, and my back ached with the familiar weight of hypervigilance. I was scanning for emotional landmines long before they were stepped on. Who was slurring already? Who felt volatile? Who seemed just a little too quiet? Who might corner me later with invasive questions about my life, my choices, my body, my relationship, my timeline, my “problems”?

I went to the bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror.

You’re doing it again, I whispered. You’re leaving your body in order to stay at the table. I realized something that day that changed everything for me: The most important seat at any table is the one I occupy inside myself.”

For many of us with trauma histories, Thanksgiving and other winter holidays bring up all our shit. For those with wounded boundaries, we may show up boundaryless- and then in the aftermath, we suffer from an emotional hangover for days or weeks of dissociated dorsal vagal doldrums afterwards. Or we may use walls instead of boundaries, avoiding family gatherings altogether, for fear of the next meltdown, blow up, or intrusion.

But what if you didn’t have to tolerate the intolerable or indulge your avoidant parts? What if this Thanksgiving, you could communicate with your parts and make a conscious choice about what you will and will not tolerate- and construct a plan to take care of your parts instead of forcing them to endure intolerable family behaviors or boycott the holiday altogether?

Let’s say a part of you is scared that Great Aunt Mildred will, yet again, pester and humiliate you about your biological clock and how it’s tick tick ticking. Well, this time, you could approach Meddling Millie ahead of time and let her know that you are unavailable for any mention of childbearing, and if she brings it up while passing the mashed potatoes, you’re going to promptly exit stage left.

Maybe your brother starts slurring his words while the turkey is still raw and then the gloves come off, activating all the times he bullied you when you were too little to protect yourself. Well, now you’re not little, even if some of your parts still feel that way. This time, you might give your brother a choice. If he wants you at the Thanksgiving table, you’re only available to sit down with him if he’s sober. If he is unwilling to make that sacrifice to have you there, well, he’s made his choice- and you have the right to make yours.

If your mother runs the Thanksgiving kitchen like a drill sergeant and you’re not in the mood to be one of her soldiers, you could ask her to make an effort to be less controlling in the kitchen if she wants your help. And if she can’t help herself and the orders start flying, you could just bail on kitchen duty and excuse yourself to read a book for a while.

If you were raised to be a compliant fawner, boundaries like that might sound selfish or controlling to you. But it’s not selfish or controlling to look out for your tender parts; it’s self loving, it’s self caring, it’s being compassionate for the easily activated parts of yourself. Great Aunt Mildred might not like your boundaries if she feels entitled to be intrusive about your private business. Your brother might feel irritated that he has to choose between boozing it up and enjoying the pleasure of your company at Thanksgiving, but as long as you’re giving him a choice, you’re entitled to make your own choice about what’s okay and what’s not okay. And your drill sergeant mother- well, if she wants help in the kitchen, she might have to learn that Nurse Ratchett is not an energy that compels her kids to want to string green beans anywhere near her.

My invitation to you as we approach the Thanksgiving holidays is to get clear with yourself about what’s okay and not okay with you. What are you willing to tolerate, even if you have to grin and bear it a bit- and what is too far over the line for you to engage with? In case you’re not sure what boundaries are acceptable to set, here are some potential Thanksgiving boundaries you have every right to set and enforce.

15 Possible Thanksgiving Boundaries

1. Time Boundary
“I’m able to come for a few hours, and then I’ll be heading home.”

2. Politics Boundary
“I’m not having political conversations today. Please contain yourself if you feel compelled to try to influence my political stance.”

3. Privacy Boundary
“There are certain parts of my life that are not open for family discussion. I’m unavailable for interrogations about my personal life. I will not answer any questions about my dating life / body / job / fertility / health right now.”

4. Sobriety Boundary
“I’m not okay with being around heavy drinking or drug use. You’re free to do as you wish, but I want you to know that if that happens, I’ll be stepping away.”

5. Emotional Labor Boundary
“I’m working in therapy to reduce the emotional labor I tend to take on unwittingly when I’m around family. I’m happy to be with you all, but I’m not available to mediate conflict or emotionally bolster others at this gathering.”

6. Respect Boundary
“If voices get raised or there’s disrespect happening, I will remove myself.”

7. Role Boundary
“I’m not taking on my usual role as peacemaker/ organizer/ therapist today. I’m happy to listen to updates about how everyone is doing, but I won’t play family counselor today.”

8. Caretaking Boundary
“I understand that some people might not like my boundaries, but I’m not responsible for other people’s emotional comfort or reactions to my choices.”

9. Body Autonomy Boundary
“I’m working on reclaiming my bodily autonomy, so please understand that I don’t want hugs or other physical contact without being asked first.”

10. Communication Style Boundary
“I will not respond to passive-aggressive comments or guilt-tripping. If you have a beef with me, please confront me respectfully and directly.”

11. Schedule Boundary
“If you expect something from me, please ask me directly and give me plenty of time to make up my mind. I won’t change my plans at the last minute out of guilt or pressure.”

12. Performance Boundary
“I’m not going to fake “nice family” today. I unavailable for pretending everything is okay when it isn’t.”

13. Safety Boundary
“I will not be in the same space as my unremorseful, unrepentant perpetrator. If Uncle Joe shows up for Thanksgiving, I’ll be leaving.”

14. Self-Regulation Boundary
“Please don’t take it personally if I step outside periodically to take breaks, excuse myself to a quiet room, or leave if I feel overwhelmed.”

15. Unsolicited Advice Boundary
”I know you care about me, but please don’t give me advice about how you think I should live my life unless I ask.”

If you’re new to setting boundaries around holiday times, your loved ones might bristle a bit. Don’t worry. That’s normal. It may take some adjustment to get used to the new, healthier you. It’s also normal to be messy when you’re experimenting with boundary setting for the first time. You won’t always be smooth or get the right balance of gentle and fierce. Give yourself a break if it’s a bumpy ride. You’ll get better at it with practice, just like any new skill.

Over time, the rewards will be worth it. You won’t have to tolerate tolerate tolerate leave. Or suck it up suck it up suck it up blow up. Or suffer the emotional hangover after showing up boundaryless. And you won’t have to avoid family gatherings altogether- unless going no contact is the only way to stay safe, which may be your only option if people absolutely refuse to respect your clearly stated boundaries.

It helps to remind people that setting boundaries is an act of love, a way to protect the relationship, to stay in connection safely. It’s not intended to be controlling, even though it might feel that way to others who feel entitled to have zero limits. You can’t expect people to read your mind. Setting boundaries ensures that someone doesn’t have to guess at what you will or won’t tolerate.

Boundaries are also a great discernment tool. They help you assess whether someone is safe enough to keep close- or whether they’re really not going to be safe, no matter how healthy you are with expressing what’s okay and not okay.

They’re also a way to prove to your own parts that you’ve got their back, that they don’t have to be anxious about the unpredictable and unexpected, because you have a plan- and your own exit strategy, in case that’s what’s needed to be the ideal parent your parts need from you.

Good luck with Thanksgiving boundary setting! And please know, dear reader, how grateful I am that you care about what I write. And to those who have subscribed to read my newsletters, THANK YOU! I thank my lucky stars every day that I get to make a living as a writer, which I can only do because of YOU.

If what I write is helpful to you, please consider passing this along to anyone else you think might benefit from reading it. And if you’d like a deeper dive into relational recovery skills like boundary setting, please considering joining LOVE SCHOOL, which meets twice a month and is full of loving, curious, open-hearted people who are investing in improving all kinds of relationships, not just romantic ones, but family connections, friendships, and peer to peer IFS support.

Learn more and join LOVE SCHOOL here.

Happy Thanksgiving to you!