Are You Involved With Someone High On The Narcissism Spectrum?
A Quiz To Assess Romantic Partners, Bosses, Family Members, & Friends
I am working on a new book with my partner Jeff about the health impacts of narcissistic abuse, the behaviors that need to change when someone’s chronic illness is the result of chronic nervous system dysregulation at least in part because of toxic relationships, and Internal Family Systems (IFS). As part of my research for the book, I went to my brilliant and wise Facebook community, which is full of smart doctors, therapists, and “in the know” empowered therapy clients. Together, we crowd sourced a list of what to look for to determine if you’re involved in a narcissistic abuse dynamic. Because it’s such a crucial piece of psycho-education, I wanted to share the results with you all here.
Before I share the quiz, it’s important to know that narcissism isn’t a diagnosis. It’s a personality style caused by childhood developmental trauma, and it exists on a spectrum. At its most extreme end, narcissism can become Narcissistic Personality Disorder, which is a psychiatric diagnosis with the following criteria. According to the DSM-V, the manual psychiatrists use to diagnose mental health issues, to give someone a diagnosis of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) requires five of nine characteristics:
1) a grandiose sense of self-importance
2) a preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
3) a belief that he or she is special and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people or institutions
4) a need for excessive admiration
5) a sense of entitlement
6) interpersonally exploitative behavior
7) a lack of empathy
8) envy of others or a belief that others are envious of him or her 9) a demonstration of arrogant and haughty behaviors or attitudes.
To qualify for an NPD diagnosis, the individual must also be experiencing some kind of impairment that causes clinical distress to themselves, such as being depressed or suicidal. They also need to be experiencing some kind of social or occupational distress, such as professional issues at work because of their narcissism or relationship problems related to their narcissistic behavior. These markers of distress are often lacking in people high on the narcissism spectrum. They frequently feel just fine, thank you very much. They’re not really bothered by their own narcissism. They’re only bothered when something doesn’t go the way they want it to, or when they feel out of control because others are not cooperating and appeasing their every entitled demand.
Typically, it’s everyone else close to them who are suffering, depressed, anxious, getting sick, feeling victimized from emotional abuse, filled with resentment, or otherwise walking around like a shell of a person because they’ve been energetically sucked dry by the narcissist. Narcissism is one of those patterns that typically causes more pain for other people than for the narcissist.
As psychiatrist Craig Malkin, MD describes in Rethinking Narcissism, it’s healthy to have some narcissistic needs, such as the need to feel valued, admired, chosen, special, and appreciated for our unique souls. The difference is that people on the extreme end of the narcissism scale feel endlessly entitled to being viewed and treated as extremely special. If the narcissism scale went from 0 to 10, people in the 0-3 range of not enough narcissism would be unhealthily other-focused and self-neglecting. People in the 8-10 range have too much self-absorption, and some of those might qualify for Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD.) Those in the 4-7 range might be right in the Goldilocks zone of just the right amount of narcissism- not compulsively focused on appeasing others; not selfishly demanding that others orbit themselves around you.
So…you can use this quiz to assess the degree of narcissistic behavior in other people in your life (or in yourself, if you might trend towards higher on the scale in the way you relate with others.)
To take the quiz, collect how many “Yes’s” you get and total them up.
*Trigger warning: This quiz might be triggering for people with complex PTSD secondary to narcissistic abuse.
1. Did this person begin your relationship by showering you with over-the-top, premature intimacy, flattery, praise, gifts, love bombing, manipulative talk about past lives or soulmates, and promises of all the great things they would do for you in the future, only to turn on you, withhold affection, and start insulting you once you attached to them or committed more deeply?
2. Do you often feel as if you exist only to listen to, mirror, or admire this person’s stories, talents, musings, intelligence, beauty, or sensitivities?
3. Do you often feel as if the relationship is not reciprocal, as if you’ll never get your turn when it comes to taking up space or receiving the kind of generosity of time, energy, listening, attention, affection, money, or opportunities for forgiveness that you offer to the other?
4. Does this person abuse their power or demonstrate fuzzy boundaries with a lot of “dual relationships,” such that they consider business colleagues their family or do business with friends and lovers or cross the line sexually or financially in inappropriate ways with employees, clients, or students? Do they have a lot of “grey zone” relationships full of innuendo or flirtation without being clear about what they want?
5. Has this person ever been sexually unfaithful to a monogamous partner?
6. Does this person regularly lack common courtesy, showing up late, being unreliable with plans you make together, disrespecting your time and the work you put in to make their life easier, or failing to communicate about basic things?
7. Do you often feel like this person is sorely lacking in empathy and remorse or cold when you or other people are feeling painful emotions, especially if you or other people are in pain because of something they’ve done or failed to do?
8. Does this person fluff themselves up, talking about themselves in a grandiose, prideful, arrogant, larger-than-life way that positions them as better than others, while frequently demeaning and talking trash about others?
9. Do you feel intimidated or otherwise unsafe to disagree with this person, go against their will, or say no to them?
10. Is this person controlling or manipulative, trying to control things like who you hang out with, what you wear, what you eat, how you spend money, what you say or do, how you think, or what you believe in?
11. Are you afraid, or even terrified, of upsetting this person for fear of retaliation, revenge, attack, turning others against you, or stonewalling?
12. Do you feel physically, emotionally, or energetically drained after being with this person, as if they’re sucking you dry, energizing themselves but depleting you?
13. Is this person very strategic and cunning in the ways they manipulate people to get what they want, with little concern for how their behavior might impact other people?
14. Is this person hyper-sensitive to any correction or criticism, becoming quickly angry or defensive if you point out something they’re doing that hurts you, rather than expressing empathy and admitting to mistakes?
15. Does this person have an anger engine that goes from zero to sixty almost instantly, often without good reason, causing you to walk on eggshells?
16. Do you frequently feel confused about what’s real or doubt your version of reality or your sanity? Does this person frequently challenge your version of reality in ways that make you wonder if you’re losing your mind?
17. Does this person act like they’re entitled to special favors or special treatment and become upset if they’re not treated the way they expect to be treated?
18. Is this person excessively materialistic, superficial, vain, exhibitionistic, perfectionistic, obsessed with only having the best of everything, hoarding luxury goods, or money hungry?
19. Does this person bad mouth other people you like or trust or try to isolate you from friends and family to make sure nobody warns you about this person or tries to get you out of an abusive, dangerous, or exploitative situation?
20. Has this person found ways to get a great deal of attention, validation, praise, approval, status, power, money, or even worshipful fans? Do they become quickly unhappy if they’re not getting enough glowing, positive attention?
21. Is this person frequently jealous of you, your other relationships, your successes, other people’s successes, and good things that happen to you or other people?
22. Do you get the feeling it’s never enough for this person- never enough money, never enough stuff, never enough praise, never enough awards or promotions or lovers or achievements or social media followers or whatever they’re chasing, as if they’re empty inside and trying to fill an unfillable “hungry ghost” void?
23. Is this person paranoid and convinced everyone is out to screw them over?
24. Does this person frequently lie and then lie about lying if you catch them, withhold information you deserve to know and then get upset when you protest the withhold, make promises they fail to keep, or cross boundaries you’ve agreed upon together?
25. Does this person fail to take responsibility and frequently get defensive and blame others when they’re caught making mistakes?
26. Does this person feel entitled to things they’re not entitled to, like breaking the law, taking things that don’t belong to them, or breaking a monogamy agreement, as if the rules don’t apply to them, even though they expect others to abide by those rules, as if there’s a double standard?
27. Does this person regularly take advantage of you or other people in opportunistic ways that benefit them but inconvenience or even harm you or other people?
28. Does this person decompensate if they spend much time alone, moving quickly between romantic relationships and needing to have someone centering them much of the time?
29. Is this person actively addicted to alcohol, drugs, gambling, working out too much, shopping, workaholism, sex, rescuing people, or other 12-steppable compulsive behaviors?
30. Do you often feel as if this person is not paying attention or really listening when it’s your turn to talk, be centered, or get attention?
31. Do you tend to feel like you’re having to nourish yourself with breadcrumbs of attention, affection, praise, cherishing, or sweet behaviors because this person withholds letting you eat a whole meal emotionally after initially love bombing you?
32. Does this person rarely, if ever, admit to wrongdoing, apologize, express remorse, and make amends (unless it's a strategy to fake an apology in an inauthentic way in order to keep you close, while continuing to repeat the same hurtful behaviors)?
33. Does this person tend to give unfair preferential treatment to one person or group at the expense of another? Do they have a golden child, favorite employee, or teacher's pet who gets away with behaviors that others, who might be scapegoated, will be punished for?
34. Does this person do grandiose things for others and/or make others dependent on them with an expectation that others will be at their beck and call at all hours and put up with their moods and demands, using their grand gestures and generosity to justify their goodness when their character is questioned?
35. Has this person tested you to see what they can get away with and whether you’ll continue to forgive them, over and over?
36. Has this person tracked your likes and dislikes, your fears and dreams, your traumas and triumphs, with such precision that you feel incredibly special, only to realize they were data mining to find ways to manipulate you later?
37. Is this person highly competitive and needs to win and dominate, no matter what, or else they get very agitated and fragile?
38. If you end a relationship with this person, do they exhibit a seemingly unquenchable thirst for revenge, long after the time that most people would have moved on?
39. Is this person frequently comparing and one-upping you? Do they often have a bigger problem, a bigger headache, more upset, a better, more grandiose story than yours- such that your personal share somehow becomes about them?
40. Does this person lack of insight into themself and their own shadow, lacking psychological depth?
41. Does this person “future fake” you, making promises for the future but never keeping them, all while manipulating your truth and claiming its your own fault that those promises are not being realized?
42. If you start pulling away and distancing yourself, do you get love bombed again, such that you get “Hoovered” back, when the love bombing stops and the abuse ramped up?
43. Does this person act like a victim, as if the world is against them, so you will feel sorry for them?
44. Does this person see people as a potential transaction to be used for their personal benefit?
45. Are you only staying in this relationship because you’ve sunk so much time, energy, emotion, and perhaps financial investment into the relationship that you’re afraid to give up just before it could get good?
46. Does this person demand that you mirror their beliefs, their world view, and their perspectives, with no chance for differing perspectives to coexist?
47. Do you feel like you- or perhaps a child- is seen as nothing but an extension of this person, as if you’re an arm or a leg they feel entitled to control and get upset if you don’t comply and do as they wish?
48. Does this person insist of trying to take credit for anything good you do, including trying to benefit personally by trying to get access to your money or powerful friends or business connections, or take advantage of any professional opportunities you might have that they might want for themselves, or demonstrate other self-interested, exploitative, greedy behaviors that signal they are only in this for themselves- even though the reverse is not the case?
49. Are you only staying in this relationship because you feel protective, as if this person needs you and won’t survive without you?
50. Are you the type of person a narcissist seeks out- a caring, empathic, conflict avoidant good listener who forgives easily, rarely protests, and is easily charmed by their charisma, power, wealth, talent, beauty, intelligence, or spiritual gifts?
How do you interpret this quiz? Narcissism exists on a spectrum, so we all might behave in some of these ways some of the time. But the more “yes’s” you get, the greater your risk that might be dealing with someone who could put you at serious risk of health issues. For more details on how to deal with individuals like this in very nuanced and sophisticated ways, my favorite book about the subject is Eleanor Payson’s psychologically brilliant and compassionateThe Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists. Some people say “Get out. No matter what.” But that’s not always possible, and it’s not always the right solution for everyone.
Staying in a relationship like this might mean your health issue is not going to go away until you are capable of extricating yourself. But sometimes that’s not an easy or even possible feat. But at least if you know what you’re dealing with, if you can label it and learn to be very firm with your boundaries, if you can learn to be more assertive, firm, direct, uncompromising, and blunt with the narcissist in your life, your nervous system will have a chance to settle enough to help your body’s self-healing mechanisms flip back on and get to work helping you feel better.
For some people, reading this list can feel jarring and destabilizing, so if you feel unsettled, please take care of yourself. Take some deep breaths, go for a walk in nature, play some uplifting music, or employ any of the resourcing tools that you know work to help you calm down.
Did I miss anything on this list? Feel free to suggest additions in the comments section!
If you are worried about loved ones or think this list might help others, please feel free to share it with others. I’m offering more detailed advice about how to deal with individuals like this for paid subscribers as part of The Boundaries Handbook I’ve written and am drip feeding for paid subscribers.