A Trauma-Informed Way To Make New Years Resolutions

Resolving The Polarizations That Cause Us To Make- & Break- Plans For Self-Improvement

Happy New Year, everyone! Or at least, welcome to the New Year. Or…wow, you made it another year (which is about how this past year felt.) And maybe, phew…we survived 2023 and 2024 is likely to be a doozy.

Like many of you, I used to resolutely make New Years Resolutions- and promptly abandon them within a month of two, kicking myself for being weak and undisciplined. I’d promise to drink more green juice, eat more veggies and less cheese and chips, lose twenty pounds, drink less “take the edge off” wine, and join a yoga studio and finally earn myself a yoga butt. I’d promise myself to meditate more, carry more picket signs for causes I’d give my life for, all while being more Zen, losing my temper less, donating more to cause I care about, and trying to move the needle with all the shit that scares me in the world. I’d swear to be more kind, more generous, more forgiving, but also more boundaried and willing to hold others accountable for the harm they cause. I’d promise myself I’d be a better mother and friend and family member and boss.

But no matter how good my intentions were, how many vision boards I created, how many promises I made to myself, somehow, a year later, nothing much had changed. Sure, I’d accomplish professional goals here and there, but the essence of who I am and how I behave didn’t transform very much.

Then I was introduced to Internal Family Systems (IFS) about a decade ago, and the understanding of parts that polarize with each other inside changed everything about how I approach the New Year.

Now I pay attention to the parts, usually “managers” trying to perfect me and turn me into the best possible version of myself. Then I really pay attention to the parts that think those plans are a crock and want to instantly rebel against those self-improving managers. Mostly, I pay attention to whatever “not enough” wounds or helpless, hopeless, worthless, insecure, lonely, or ashamed feelings that creep up as the New Year approaches, emotions which those self-improving managers or reactive rebel parts are trying to cover up, numb, or busy my way around.

Everything goes better when I allow all those parts to come to the table together and hash it out with me, in as much Self as I can muster, trying to mediate between sometimes competing parts. Because the reality is that we don’t change by letting some of our parts bully us. We don’t change through shaming ourselves or collapsing under the shame someone else puts upon us. We don’t usually change permanently by strict discipline. Or willpower. Or the desire to impress others. If we did, we'd all keep our New Years Resolutions.

No. We change when we're ready to change, when the timing is right, when we can get most of our parts on the same side of a decision- and coax the reluctant parts along with enough love to make up the difference. We change not by judging our parts but by extending radical compassion to them and becoming intimate with why they do the things they do, so we can learn to get our needs met in different, more creative ways. We change when the parts that want to change hit a threshold and the parts that don’t want to change relax just enough to let love hold them through how scary change can be. Perhaps sometimes we change by sheer grace alone.

But change is possible. It does happen, when enough of our parts get on the same side and decide to cooperate with each other, even if some parts still aren’t 100% on board.

So if you sense that change is afoot, if you're feeling like you want to kick the habit or grow a new muscle or end a relationship or begin a new one...if you want to commit to a practice or achieve a new skill or quit your job or pursue a passion...PAUSE.

Don’t make yet another promise some of your parts aren’t prepared to keep. Just keep checking in every day, getting to know the parts that resist the kind of change other parts might know is good for you. Keep getting curious about the parts that are scared or tempted to sabotage your efforts or uncertain whether change is a good idea. Try extending some extra love and compassion to the parts that don’t want you to keep whatever resolution other parts might be thinking about. And try seeing if your resolute parts can relax just a little bit, to gentle themselves and take off some of the pressure, to allow change to happen rather than trying to white knuckle it into being.

Then...breathe. Wait. Follow the trailheads of all the parts that have an opinion about whatever you might consider changing. Get to know why some parts are trying to improve you or accomplish goals. Get super curious about why other parts might not be quite so on board.

Ignore all the New Years messages that tell you to push through it, make it happen, force change, beat yourself up until you do it, don’t stop until you get what you’re intending to manifest, and all that pressured bullying. Try practicing self-compassion instead. Understand that you're doing the best you can, that change is more likely to happen from the wisp of a feather than from the beating of a hammer.

Trust that when the pain of staying put exceeds your fear of the unknown and your resistance to what's coming, enough of your parts are likely to get on the same page that they will let change happen. It might be a tender change, a soft little shift that changes everything one little nugget at a time. Or it could be cold turkey. Or something in between.

So whether you’re setting goals or making promises to yourself or 12-stepping something or hoping to finally achieve a dream, tread lightly, with a heaping helping of self-compassion. And remember that, no matter how imperfect you are, you’re just as imperfect as everyone else; some people just hide their imperfections better than others and pray you’ll never figure that out.

If only we can accept this reality, if we can appreciate our perfectionist parts for trying so hard to make us better without letting those parts bully others, if we can truly grok that all of our parts think they’re trying to help us, even if they’re also harming us or hurting other people, we can find our way into a healthier, happier, more authentic 2024.

Don’t forget to celebrate the changes you did make in 2023, the goals you accomplished, the adventures you risked, the past traumas you made progress on healing, the boundaries you set and upheld, the successes you achieved, and most of all, the love you have for your own parts and for other people and their parts.